


Lost and Found

by FelicityKitten



Category: Avatar: Legend of Korra
Genre: Child Abuse, Child Murder, F/M, Gen, Panic Attacks, Recovery, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-17
Updated: 2016-08-06
Packaged: 2018-07-24 13:54:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 28,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7510916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FelicityKitten/pseuds/FelicityKitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Being held captive and trained to become a mindless killer, P'Li doesn't know what to do with her newly-attained freedom. Thanks to Zaheer's support, she decides to give herself a chance to start anew, and ends up in the middle of a group of revolutionaries. Experiences and people around her eventually change and free her, until she finds her new purpose in life - to change and free the entire world.</p><p>also posted on fanfiction.net</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. First Kill

“No! Please… I have a family!” the man stumbled, his movements frantic and uncoordinated in attempts to escape from sure death, but he wouldn’t get out of her range even if he sprinted.

_ Why would anyone want to kill such a man? He’s just a poor peasant, not a mortal enemy, _ P’Li wondered, orders still ringing in her head.

_ “This morning, my guards will escort you out of town to hills. Those filthy farmers and shepherds live there, completely forgotten by the world. Their very existence is meaningless. Shouldn’t be too hard to kill the first one who appears.” _

_ Of course a man like Daigo would say that. He doesn’t value human life at all. I, of all people, should know. _

However, when she looked at his face - horrified, pleading, his eyes full of tears - P’Li knew as ordinary as he was, he would stay in her memories forever.

She breathed in deeply, hoping to calm her wild beating heart. Daigo’s guards were watching her, ready to observe any sign of inaccuracy or reluctance. The more she wavered, the worse for her. And yet...

The image in front of her started to change, the man’s ugly wrinkled features forming into smooth, delicate face of a child. The brown of his irises turned into pale gold. The look of horror remained. Lien-Hua, her dearest sister, right before she was slain.

Although it’s been over a year - P’Li stopped counting days long time ago - she never faded from her memory. Partly because that day haunted her in nightmares even now.

_ Stop it. You have a mission to finish _ , something dead in her whispered.  _ The longer you wait, the worse for you. _

_ Exactly. Why should I have mercy? No one had any for Lien-Hua, yet she deserved to die even less than this wretch. _

She closed her eyes and with another inspiration sent her qi rushing into the third eye tattoo, until it accumulated enough to sting and burn. Just before her forehead could split open, she released a deadly blast. The man’s scream was devoured by the sound of explosion.

P’Li couldn’t believe her own eyes when the smoke cleared. The man was still there, standing on trembling legs a few metres away from a crater. Once his self-preservation fought off the shock, he ran, tripping over his feet.

_ I missed. I never miss. _

Then the realization of what she had almost done hit her.

_ I was ready to do it. A killing machine… just like everyone said. _

_ No, not yet _ , she corrected herself.  _ I wouldn’t have waited and missed if I were the heartless killing weapon Daigo wants me to be. _

With his name, her self-loathing was immediately replaced by panic. His loyal guards were already all over her, binding her hands with handcuffs and covering her tattoo. They would never be merciful enough to conceal her failure. Even if it meant inhuman punishment...

She used to be braver, more defiant, then he broke her spirit completely. She had stopped trying to run. Why would she, anyway. After watching her little sister die, escape felt meaningless. What could he do more to hurt her?

While the guards were leading her back to the compound, P’Li felt as if something was shattering to pieces inside her. Was it what was left of her humanity, or hopes? Whatever it was, it left her feeling empty and oddly calm.

_ What’s left of me is claimed by a man who  _ _ stole my everything. What does it matter if he takes my life it if I no longer have something to live for? _


	2. Punishment

Dark and cold. No more words needed to describe P’Li’s underground cell where she was always put until Daigo needed her again. And it also represented the conditions she hated the most, for reasons different than the hindrance of her abilities…

Lien-Hua, as every other kid of her age, was afraid of the dark. Back then in happier times, P’Li often woke up in the middle of the night just to find her standing in front of her bed, with frightened eyes. After crawling next to her, Lien-Hua slept soundly, without distractions. When they got captured, this little routine had to stop. Well, Lien-Hua’s cell was a lot more snug than hers, at least. Still, both sisters had missed the company of each other.

After her death, P’Li would rather listen to Lien-Hua’s quiet sobs and cries during her frequent nightmares than hear just occasional water dripping. It broke her heart over and over again, knowing there was nothing to return to anymore. She had become cold, so cold…

Of course, soon loneliness had been replaced by burning hatred towards Daigo, searing her alive, the only kind of heat she’d ever experience again, determining the only purpose and desire of her remaining life - to kill him, to see his blood smeared all over her hands. Not even to break free, such wishes were for those who still had something to return to. However, the truth kept showing its malicious sneer until she couldn’t stay blind to it. She was but a toy in Daigo’s hands, her life depending entirely on his whims.

_ It’ll soon be over, or at least I wish it would. Daigo saves his sick ideas to night, when I’m practically defenseless. He should be here any moment. _

The walls of her confined cell glistened dimly with droplets of water. P’Li only recognized the night when the already low temperature dropped even more and she fell asleep shivering under her blanket, fire inside her almost forgotten.

_ When Daigo comes, I won’t show any fear, no matter what he does. _

As if to test her resolution, the creaking sound of elevator opening gave away the visitor. He was coming.

Daigo’s quick steps on uneven floor echoed, until they stopped in front of her cell. He opened the thick metal door and walked in, a small flame in his hand to see his victim. Yellow light danced on walls, but P’Li couldn’t enjoy the warmth. Daigo purposely kept it from her, even as he stepped closer. She  remained sitting motionless on her bed, as if his presence didn’t fill her stomach with heavy dread.

“I heard some interesting information about your morning mission,” he spoke. It always started like this - his voice strictly neutral, but the anger was there, like a wild river, searching and pushing into every gap in a barrier, just about to burst through.

She remained quiet. Each time she expressed having a mind of her own only fueled his rage, the most during his accusations.

“You hesitated and missed. Your victim is still alive. I ordered you to kill him.” Each punctuation served as a demand of explanation.

Still silence.

She didn’t even see his hand moving to grip her hair, making her cry out, tilting her head back and forcing her to meet his eyes. Even in her usual slouching, his full height reached her chin. He never missed out an opportunity to look down on her, in every sense.

“After all these years of wasting my time, you still dare to disobey me. You live only to fulfill my wishes. You were born as a monster, with lethal abilities. You were destined to end up like this, no one would ever accept such a freak,” his tone barely rose above disdainful hissing, but the more deadly its effect - like a snake leaking venom into a wound.

Despite her decision to stay strong, his words seeped through her defences into her mind. He only said out loud her very own thoughts. Everything what happened… it was only her fault. Without her, Lien-Hua, her parents, would be still alive. She had brought this curse upon them.

“And you still want to think you have humanity to spare. How pathetic.”

P’Li tried to convince herself those tears welling up in her eyes were because of rough pull on her scalp, but both of them knew the real reason.

He let go suddenly, as if the contact stained him.

“I should’ve ended this pitiful excuse of a combustionbender a long time ago, but it’d only bring me back to the beginning,” Daigo started walking around in her cell, not even speaking to her anymore. “I’ve had my doubts, but also a plenty of ways how to break any remains of resistance. But now, I won’t need to anymore. Those twins might be what I’ve been looking for. And who knows… maybe she will learn as well, after all.”

What was he talking about?

Then he stopped and looked at her. “Under normal circumstances, I wouldn’t wait with your punishment. Tonight, I have more important matter to get ready for. If everything goes smoothly, I won’t have to put up with this nonsense ever again. You’ll end just like your sister, both useless and waste of my time.”

So he plans to kill me. P’Li couldn’t help but feel a bit of relief. Unfortunately, it didn’t escape his notice.

“Oh, don’t think it will be that simple,” he smirked. “I don’t give up so easily.” P’Li retreated when he leaned closer again.

“You have no idea just how absolutely I have your poor life in my hands. After everything, I won’t let you out of this so easily,” sadistic gleam in his eyes as he reached out terrified P’Li beyond anything he had ever done. 

She jerked away, only to feel cold stone against her back. His face twisted into a wicked grimace she normally expected only in nightmares. Even though she previously wanted to stay unaffected and accept any fate, she couldn’t bear his sick games anymore. He must have thought of something even worse than anything before, his expression pure sick anticipation. Her survival instincts kicked in.

“Don’t you dare to touch me again!” P’Li screamed and sunk her teeth deeply into his palm, taste of his blood and skin almost made her retch, but she held on and bit deeper, to inflict as much pain as possible. She felt her own blood throbbing in her ears, barely registering his cries.

A hit to her left cheek nearly knocked her out. Her vision was blurry, but she heard his ragged breaths and wished he had put enough strength in that punch to kill her.

“You’ll regret you were ever born when I’m done with you,” he grunted, forcing words in between as teeth. “Luckily for you, I already wasted too much time.” His footsteps gradually faded, the only proof he was really leaving, not hiding in the dark to continue where he had left off.

P’Li held back her bitter tears until she was sure he wasn’t coming back, but there was only so much she could take. Underground tunnel echoed with helpless sobs and salt stung her already swelling cheek, to remind her that even in her solitude, his marks were permanent. In a way, a bit of his presence always stuck on her.

_ What have I accomplished by that? _ Now, when adrenaline slowly left her bloodstream, her act seemed foolish and meaningless.

_ He’ll repay me hundred times before he ends it. If only I made him so mad he’d kill me instantly. _

Fears and anxiety attacked her thoughts until she felt like passing out from sheer panic. It was a remedy when dreamless sleep of exhaustion finally took mercy upon her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt bad after reading the warlord's part again. There really wasn't a good way to make it better, but I needed to get some implications out of the way.  
> #GiveP'LiAHug2kforever


	3. Two Travellers

Xai Bau felt the first morning rays touch his skin. Dawn was his favorite time for meditating, especially when another of Red Lotus missions awaited him. Not only it sharpened his senses and thinking, it helped to relieve sleep deprivation as well. Few hours ago, night was still hiding his footsteps and he allowed himself only a short time of rest after getting close enough to the town. After years of relentless effort to change the world for the better, nothing he wasn’t used to. He felt concerned for his companion, one of new generation of members, a young man named Zaheer. After several years of his affiliation to the order, Xai Bau finally allowed him to join on his mission.

Zaheer, also meditating, hadn’t uttered a word of complaint even during a long journey and after few hours of sleep. He appeared unaffected, but that hardly surprised Xai Bau. Ever since he joined, the boy had been stubborn to prove himself. 

Under Red Lotus guidance, Zaheer had become a great admirer of poetry and philosophy. Unlike Xai Bau, he preferred mostly Air Nomad teachings, believing the extinct nation achieved true freedom and their ideals needed to be restored.

Xai Bau admired his passion and trained him in martial arts from across all nations, taught him everything he knew to make sure Red Lotus wouldn’t die out and disappear unnoticed by history. So far, Zaheer had been a true blessing to decaying lines of elders marked deeply by their previous failures. There were others, but Xai Bau had little hope for their contributions. Unalaq, son of Chief of Northern Water Tribe, with whom Zaheer talked mostly in Spirit World, stood too close to power. Ghazan, a talented lavabender, few years younger than his apprentice, lacked a true conviction to the cause.

“Are you ready?” he got up from Lotus position after he noticed his companion coming back to his senses.

“As always,” Zaheer answered and stood up, containing his anticipation well. “It would be helpful to know our destination, though. So far, you haven’t said a lot about our objective.”

“A little impatient, aren’t you?” Xai Bau smiled to himself. Zaheer usually tried his best to seem calm and collected, but his excitement was as clear as a day to someone who knew him well.

“You’re the one who taught me to be ready for anything. If you got killed, how would I continue and do what we came here for?” he retorted in good manner.

“Just look around and you’ll understand.”

Town was surrounded by grassy hills and mountains of basalt. At some places, bald glades provided the only memory of vast forests which went down to Fire Nation advance.

Houses, some modest, but proper, other dirty and poor, contrasted sharply with a large mansion in military style, still luxurious enough to look out of place next to poverty of the town. It didn’t take a genius to understand.

“Who exactly are we dealing with?” Zaheer asked.

“The man who lives there,” Xai Bau pointed at the ostentatious building, “once was an important Fire Nation noble, with an army of his own and few residences in Earth Kingdom. His actions weren’t restricted by anyone, not until the Avatar defeated Ozai. Daigo - that was his name - was ordered to return to Fire Nation and leave his properties and lands in Earth Kingdom behind. He was one the firmest believers of Fire Nation’s superiority to command and control the rest of the world. After Fire Lord failed, he was left alone in his hunger for power. He was no talented bender, though. The only option left for him was to seek out the ones with rare powers and persuade them to lend themselves to his goals,” Xai Bau’s face scrunched up in distasteful grimace. Zaheer quickly picked up on his implication.

“He forced them?”

“Usually. I don’t really know if he succeeded, because he was especially obsessed with combustionbenders.”

“But their bloodline has been lost long time ago,” Zaheer argued. “You told me yourself. And even if some descendants survived, that skill is so stigmatized in society it would be foolish to practice it.”

“That’s probably true. Combustionbending often lies dormant and undiscovered and such person can live as a normal firebender, never finding out what they are capable of. Daigo, along with dedicated servants and remains of his army, keeps searching for any descendants of known combustionbenders. His specialty is kidnapping young children and training them as his own personal killers. If he succeeded, that is another question, but if you just look at the way he exerts his power, there’s no doubt someone needs to stop him.”

Zaheer nodded. Xai Bau could see his green eyes lighting up with righteous anger. Coming from an upper class, Zaheer grew up fairly isolated from injustice and oppression, but once he broke free, he understood how corrupted the leaders were. After they disappeared from the world, wounds might start healing.

“When?” he asked, eager to jump into action.

“Patience. Those who rush their actions head to ultimate failures. Always be sure to spend enough time planning every step you make, take into account any difficulty you might face.”

Xai Bau had warned him many times that greatest strengths were the source of most fatal weaknesses. Zaheer, with his unusual dedication and zeal, needed to learn the importance of careful strategy. In his own case, it had been a refusal to admit he could have been wrong.

“Will you tell me the plan or not?” his student tried his best not to sound too irritated.

_ He still has a long way to go. I hope he won’t find out how heavy of a burden guilt and regret can be. It’s a lesson I was too arrogant to learn while I still could have avoided a catastrophe, so it needed to manifest as an experience… to make sure I won’t underestimate it ever again. _

Xai Bau left those thoughts quickly - nothing could be done to change things - and finally revealed the actual plan.

“Daigo and most of his guards and servants are firebenders, thus we attack at night. None of them possess extraordinary bending or combat skills, with your training you won’t have too much trouble to get around them. Daigo is mine, you’ll stay behind and look for combustionbenders.”

“You don’t think I’ll find any, do you?”

Xai Bau shared Zaheer’s doubt. Heritage played one role, there were other factors as well. For the sake of simplicity, he hoped no unfortunate child fit into Daigo’s wicked scheme enough for him to try his luck.

“There’s a slight chance you will find children taken from their families, but I dearly hope that won’t be the case.”

 

___

Their ambush worked surprisingly well. For a while, Zaheer thought he would spend the rest of his life repeating pointless parts of the plan. He had to memorize even the  _ map _ of this place. How exactly his teacher obtained it remained a mystery to him.

 

_ “Why can’t I just take it with myself?” _

_ “I won’t risk you accidentally burning or dropping it. You never know what could happen in a fight.” _

 

_ So typical of him. Like he didn’t even take me seriously. _

Right now, it really did come in handy to know exactly where to go. Countless corridors and rooms would confuse anyone.

He heard Xai Bau’s and his own voice constantly repeating directions in his head -  _ right, right, at the statue to the left, then straight until the third door and you’ll see a painting in front of you. That’s a hidden elevator. _

Zaheer’s heart jumped in relief when he saw it, exactly as his master told him. The picture showed an elderly man in Fire Nation armor, his expression unreadable, but unnerving. Right after pushing at especially worn-out part of garish golden frame, one side of the painting withdrew from the wall and revealed a tiny room behind.

Zaheer stepped in. Thankfully, he was used to confined spaces. Creaky noises as the elevator descended, drop in his stomach and air getting chillier once would have made him think of being buried alive. He used to struggle with it, but learning special breathing techniques helped him overcome it completely. Light of his torch reflected on dark metal.

Finally, the sinking came to a halt. The entrance was guarded by grating requiring a key to unlock. Zaheer pulled out the pack of universal keys and tried one after another until he found a perfect fit. Now he had a view on long, dark tunnel, with cells on each side. There had to be at least twelve of them. His breath condensed into puffs as he passed around each one and looked inside. To his relief, after going through several of them he still found no one.

_ It’s horrible to think he’d put someone here, little children actually. How many cells are left? I should just return, no one is he- _

After looking through another door, he was greeted with the sight of a figure curled on the bed, shivering. The person was turned away from him and unaware of his presence.

“Hey,” Zaheer spoke up, clear enough for them to hear, but not too loud to avoid startling them. The person sat up and turned around, revealing a face of emaciated features and eyes widened with fright.

“W-who are you?” she asked, her voice shaking because of cold, or was it fear, actually?

“My name is Zaheer. I’m here to get you out,” he even offered a soft smile to reassure her.

“Is this another one of Daigo’s tricks?” she didn’t move from her place on bed, only glared.

“It isn’t. All of that is over, I promise.” Zaheer came even closer, his torch lighting up more of her face. Her forehead was covered by a metal headband, blue and red mixing on her cheek. Her eyes burned as she jumped back.

“Get away from me! I don’t know what he ordered you to do, but I’m done with it, you hear me?!” her voice held a frantic edge, as if she were on the verge of breaking down.

_ I can’t even imagine what she’s been through. How can I show her I mean no harm? _

He remained in his place, not attempting to get closer again.

“I know it’s hard for you to trust a stranger like me, but we have to leave. The longer we wait, the more guards will come to stop us.”

“Is this the best he could come up with? Letting me believe I am free, only to appear later and torment m-me again? Is h-he running out of i-ideas?” her teeth were chattering and she looked everywhere else but him.

_ Poor child. I hope Xai Bau will stray from his usual ways of ending things quickly and lets that monster taste his own treatment. _

Zaheer handed her the torch. Not enough to actually warm her up, but it was her element, after all. Who knew for how long had she been robbed off its glow?

“He won’t hurt you ever again. In fact, he’s probably dead by now. I came here with my master to stop him for good.”

She didn’t say anything, just stared him in the eyes. Slowly, fear left her dark orange irises. Zaheer could almost see the decision building there.

“When we get out… what will happen to me?” she asked.

“You’ll be free. You can return home.” She flinched and shifted her glance at the word “home”, then nodded hesitantly.

“Seems like it’s my only choice. But first,” her hands reached to her forehead and took off the metal, uncovering a striking third eye tattoo in the place of her Light chakra. Zaheer recognized it immediately, only seeing it in ancient pictures. Until now.

_ So she really has the ability to combustionbend,  _ he had to restrain himself from staring too long, realizing whose decision it had been to mark her like this. She had enough reasons to be bitter and if he angered her, she might use it against him, even. For now, though, she hardly paid him any attention as she stepped out of her cell, Zaheer following her closely.

When they were out, Zaheer asked: “Do you know about any other prisoners?”

“There used to be… another girl. But she’s gone. And he mentioned others he’ll have soon… so he won’t need me anymore. No one else,” her tone clearly indicated she had no desire to discuss it further and only offered him the simplest facts.

The matter was obviously still fresh in her memory. Together, they entered the elevator again. Now, when she was standing right next to him, he noticed how tall she was. The top of his head reached around her nose.

“What’s your name, by the way?” he asked. Zaheer couldn’t help it but feel fascinated, even though he felt bad since too much attention from wrong kind of person was what got her in this situation. At least a name to keep in his memory when their paths split…

“P’Li...” she said, as if she actually had to remember her own name. “Right. My name is P’Li,” she repeated, more to assure herself than to him.

“Do you know the way out?” she looked at him when they stepped out and a labyrinth of corridors awaited once again.

“Luckily, I have a map of this place memorized in my head,” he half-joked and offered her his hand. “Let’s go.” To his own surprise, she caught his palm in hers and let him lead the way out, to freedom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, if someone is bugged by the incorrect height difference between Zaheer and P'Li, girl haven't stopped growing yet. I actually have a hilarious scene pictured in mind for later, so I hopefully manage to include it :)


	4. Forgotten Dream

Everything was happening so fast, like a dream way too good to be true.Over years, she got used to chaotic fragmets of half-faded memories often deformed into nightmares. As if her mind’s ability to imagine a positive scenario just disappeared. Now Zaheer guided her through corridors and chambers of Daigo’s mansion and she thought that maybe, just maybe, this was real. Something so vivid couldn’t be just her imagination.

_ Or the cold finally got into me and I’m dying.  _ Whatever the option, she decided to just go with it.

Warmth and firm grip of Zaheer’s hand - she almost forgot how  _ that  _ felt like - almost made her feel safe, but she knew better. Even a monster like Daigo was able to act human and sympathetic in order to get what he wanted.

_ That day _ , he even offered two lost orphans a “place to stay at night”. The next morning, they woke up in a different room than before. He appeared shortly, informed them that this - he gestured to the suffocating luxury of the chamber - could be their life, as long as they behaved and obeyed every order. If not, cells underground. Regardless of their choice, they were his property. For the time being, P’Li had really tried, more for the sake of her sister than her own. Maybe if it weren’t for that escape attempt…

Running with Zaheer reminded her of that night, and just like before, a large front-door with golden edges came into her view, the very thing that had sabotaged her previous attempt to escape, which ended up in Lien-Hua’s execution.

Tears of grief blurred her vision and seconds later, blind rage took over her. A sharp, almost violent inspiration, then a release of explosion, unusually powerful, considering her weakened state. A mess of broken splinters all that was left after the smoke cleared. She wanted to pass through, the last final step to freedom, but someone - literally - held her back.

Zaheer just stood frozen, looking in amazement at the debris, until he noticed her irritated stare.

“Eh… excuse me. It’s just… I’ve never seen combustionbending before,” he sheepishly looked away and tried to hide his fascination, but she had just about enough.

“Try learning it against your will for someone who wants you to do his dirty work for him. See how you like it,” she snapped and pulled her hand free, the contact suddenly unbearable.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-” he started apologizing, but she had little patience for that.

“Cut it out, I don’t want to hear it. Stay here for all I care, but I’m done.”

She heard him follow her and then they both stepped into the night, lit up by the moon and flickering spots of stars.

_ I haven’t watched the night sky for so long… _

Escape momentarily forgotten, she tilted her head to look properly. Of all things she had experienced today, this one, for some reason, felt most unreal. She noticed Zaheer running to someone in her peripheral vision, but didn’t pay attention to it.

“Took you long enough, Zaheer. Did you find anyone?” a man’s voice spoke, startling her.

“I did, and I think you’ll be very surprised,” this time she recognized Zaheer’s voice.

_ Are they talking about me? What do they want from me?  _ she wondered, but her guesses were far from optimistic.

_ The same thing as everyone else, obviously. For their own intentions. And for a short moment, that boy didn’t seem so bad. I should’ve known better. _

“P’Li,” his voice called. “can you come here? I want you to meet someone.”

Was there even a choice? She wouldn’t wait until they dragged her.

“This is Xai Bau, my master.”

Slouching instintively, as if to appear smaller and less noticeable (with her height, not really possible), P’Li stepped into the light of another torch and saw a man with thinning black hair, catching a silver shade at sides, and short beard. 

Age-wise, he couldn’t be far from her previous captor, but his grey eyes lacked the constant vicious gleam. His gaze was hard to read and she didn’t know how to feel when he briefly inspected her, halting at her forehead. His eyes shone with recognition.

“I sent Zaheer to look for any poor victims that madman kept, but I hoped he would return alone. Who would have thought that Daigo somehow manages to train an actual combustionbender?” When she didn’t answer, he offered a pitiful smile. “I am truly sorry for what you had to endure. I know what he was capable of.”

“Was?” she heard herself saying, curiosity taking over before she managed to convince herself it didn’t matter.

“I took him down, and it was about time. According to what I heard, his guards planned to kidnap four-year-old twin boys from a near city. He expected that younger victims would be easier to brainwash into his tools, but that failed. He won’t hurt any other child, ever again.”

“How lucky they are,” her voice was barely a whisper, revealing burning envy she was trying to suppress.

What would she give to never experience this... 

If only she had saved her, so at least  _ she _ could forget. But now… how was she supposed to live now? Nowhere to go, no one to welcome her. In people’s eyes, a freak. Who would want her?

_ Oh, but some definitely would _ , she remembered.  _ To claim me as a weapon, give orders and then put away when I’m not needed anymore. Am I supposed to just take it and be grateful, like Daigo often told me? No… I can’t do it. _

Tears welled up in her eyes and poured down her cheeks, despite the unwanted company. Maybe it would shock them - killing machine, and  _ crying?  _ \- but what reason did she have to care? It was too late...

Her vision started spinning and after few dizzying seconds, faded to black. A blurry image of Zaheer rushing to her help before she lost her consciousness.

___

“She passed out,” Zaheer informed Xai Bau. He barely caught her falling form in time and now set her down on the ground gently.

“No wonder. She looks malnourished and that huge blast she produced moments ago must have been too much,” Xai Bau observed. He squatted down and checked her forehead. Black pupila of the vertical eye burned to touch.

“After resting and eating properly, she will be fine. At least physically. That’s as much as I’m willing to do, though I suspect it will be in vain.”

“What do you mean?” Zaheer didn’t like the resignation in Xai Bau’s voice.

“You know, so don’t ask. And now we need to leave, shirshu toxin I used on guards will wear off soon.”

Zaheer spotted the change of topic, but decided to leave it be for a while. They really had to get away. He lifted P’Li up, surprised that the tall girl weighed so little. Right now, when nothing troubled her, she looked a lot younger. Thirteen or fourteen? Zaheer couldn’t guess.

 

“Isn’t she heavy?” Xai Bau asked while they were making their way through the hills.

“Not at all,” Zaheer felt weariness getting into him, but it couldn’t be much further...

 

As usual, nothing could be nice and simple. Xai Bau they needed a proper shelter, so that no one could find them.

 

_ “Seriously? Daigo’s dead, who would send anyone after us?”  _

_ “Here I thought you finally learned what I’ve been trying to teach you. You have to count with anything, Zaheer. And don’t roll your eyes at me.” _

 

An overhang between blackened rocks finally satisfied Xai Bau enough. Zaheer unfolded two blankets and tried to make them as comfortable as possible before he wrapped P’Li in them. While Xai Bau was away looking for some source of water, Zaheer kept checking if she wasn’t cold.

Soft rustling of rain meant that soon his master would get back, so he got up and moved away from her. And he was right.

“Soon it’s going to be a real downpour,” Xai Bau called as he stepped under rocks which provided an excellent protection from the rain. He took a blanked to dry himself up, but even getting wet and cold didn’t affect his smugness.

“See, this is why you always need to be ready, Zaheer. The rain wouldn’t help us much, especially with that girl around. What was her name, again?”

“P’Li,” Zaheer answered, looking back at her. She still didn’t come back to her senses.

“P’Li, right. She doesn’t need to get sick on top of all other things.”

Zaheer didn’t respond to that, just thought about everything. He wanted to help her, but how? If his teacher, who went through so much in his life, didn’t believe she could make it, what chance did he have?

“Xai Bau… do you really think she can’t get better?”

He turned to him with serious look. His steel gaze was devoid of emotion, but he must have understood Zaheer cared a lot about his answer.

“Depends. We don’t know how long she’s been there - although I estimate a couple years - what kind of abuse she went through, if she has someone left. She seems deeply traumatized, but she still may have a place to go. Surrounded by people she can trust, she might get better. It’s not any of our business, though.”

“I have a bad suspicion,” Zaheer started, carefully deciding what to reveal, since he didn’t have any concrete proof, “that she is all on her own now. What are we going to do?”

“What are you implying?” Zaheer’s tongue itched to say: “You know what, so don’t ask,” to return his own words, but his master didn’t appreciate talking back.

“That it would be heartless to just leave her like that. Not only that, but with her abilities, there’s a danger someone will try to use her again. She could spend time with other members who went through their fair share of hardship and learn from their experience.I could teach her to meditate and that might also help her to get better.”

His mind was buzzing with ideas. He hardly had a clue why, but he refused to just... give up on her. Call it pity, or basic human decency, forgetting about bigger picture, Xai Bau would prefer, but he wouldn’t stop wondering about her even if they parted.

“Zaheer, don’t you hear yourself? Have you forgotten who exactly are you talking about? We’re a secret society against any form of government, White Lotus is still trying to hunt down the last of us and we dedicated our lives to this. Once she gets involved, how are we supposed to just let her go, after she, as you say, gets better? Seriously…” he shook his head, “if I didn’t know better, I would think you are too fascinated with her abilities.”

“After she just got away from a madman who was blind to everything else but that?” Zaheer raised his voice. “Do you think I don’t have a backbone?”

“Keep quiet, will you? I’m just telling you how it sounds. Anyone would be sceptic, including P’Li. You might have already declared yourself as some kind of protector of hers in your mind, but maybe she doesn’t want to have anything to do with you. Ever thought of that? We freed her, therefore the choice is hers and hers only to make,” he stressed, then added. “People like her become disillusioned with others and often can’t rebuild their lives anew. It takes a great will not to decide for a quick end and nothing I’ve seen yet implies she has it.”

“Don’t talk like this.” Zaheer usually admired Xai Bau’s knowledge and experience, but he wanted to believe this one time, he was wrong.

“You know, Zaheer,” Xai Bau walked over to him, sat down and put a hand on his shoulder in caring manner, “I might have resisted the feeling for some time, but I can’t help but see you as a son I never had. You remind me a lot of my young self and if I ever act like an annoying know-it-all or lecture you, I just want to spare you few bad decisions. I beg you not to repeat my missteps. Trust me... some of mine left me wondering how I’m still alive.”

This was a rare moment - Zaheer respected Xai Bau like no one else, but hs teacher never seemed to be fully satisfied and always found a flaw in Zaheer’s actions, a reason to criticize him. To hear that all this time, he had thought of him so highly… definitely not something Zaheer expected.

“Xai Bau… I’m truly honored,” he allowed himself a moment of open sincerity to thank him. “I never thought you could consider me good enough to say such a thing.” Now the harder part. “However… don’t you think I deserve more trust? I just completed my first mission as a Red Lotus member. I should have the right to decide on my own - if I end up being wrong, I’ll take any responsibility for it.”

“And what exactly do you want to do?” Xai Bau’s expression wasn’t exactly affirmative, but he was willing to listen.

“Tomorrow, I’ll offer P’Li to come with us. If she says no, fine, I’ll let her go, as you said.”

“Zaheer… don’t get me wrong, I pity her too, but this isn’t a good idea.” Xai Bau said in resignated tone. “Try it, if you want… but don’t expect much.”

Zaheer did the same, but when he lied down and covered himself with the last blanket, sleep refused to come to him and replace the noise of his thoughts.

_ I can understand why Xai Bau disapproves. After years of teaching me that any contacts outside of the Red Lotus are dangerous… the way I act because of someone I just met doesn’t seem like me at all. _

_ She isn’t like any ordinary civilian, though. If we met under different circumstances, she could have been our sympathizer. Sure, she comes off as bitter and unfriendly, but could I blame her? If she really was hopeless, would she follow me so eagerly to her freedom? Would she find enough fire to turn that massive door to dust? It might take a long time, but I don’t think she’s completely lost. _

Then his thoughts took a darker turn.

_ Probably just instincts for survival. After I gawked at her so openly, she could think I’m no better than her captor. Tomorrow will be the last time I see her, and it’s not any of my business _ , he admitted to himself, defeated.  _ Why does Xai Bau always have to be right? _

Xai Bau’s snores filled the cave, but Zaheer wasn’t the only one lying awake, trying to process everything what happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, yeah. P'Li isn't that clueless about what she will (later) get into, which will come into play. Not until I'm done with this rewrite, though.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed!


	5. Start Anew

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is pretty flashback-heavy, and warning for suicide mention. Just in case.

“You’re back!” Lien-Hua called and jumped out of bed to hug her big sister. Big, that she was quite literally. It’s been a bit over a year since the start of P’Li’s rapid growth spurt and now the eleven-year-old girl towered over most of her classmates and some older kids as well. Lien-Hua barely reached her waist, but still had enough force to throw her off balance.

“Woah! Slow down, Lien,” she swayed, but returned the embrace. “It was just school, no big deal. As every day.”

“I know! But I still don’t get why you go there. Mom said the other kids were mean to you,” little girl pouted, worry creasing her tiny brows. “Were they, ‘Li?”

P’Li smiled. Her not fitting in shouldn’t be a worry for her lovable sister. “It’s alright, Lien-Hua. I’m fine. Let’s go eat lunch.”

 

*

 

“You came home sooner today. What’s the matter?” a soft palm touched her back as P’Li finished her meal, getting up to read Lien-Hua some Fire Nation tales, as she promised.

“As usual. No need to fuss about it.” P’Li uttered evasively, looking into her now empty plate.

“Look at me.” her mom’s voice was soft, yet she couldn’t resist it. Her eyes, unlike her own rusty brown, shared the subtle gold shade with her sister’s own.

“Don’t you know you can tell me anything, P’Li?” warm caress of her hand soothed P’Li enough to disclose what bothered her. After all,  _ here _ she didn’t have to be ashamed. “Just… some older girls found out about Chao.”

“Ah.” She understood. Chao was an older boy, one of few who didn’t pick on her, maybe because he was a head taller than her, but unfortunately she wasn’t seeing him often. When she did, it always brightened up her day.

“They started to laugh and said… he would never pay any attention to me and I should just leave everyone alone. They called me a freak that shouldn’t have been born.” It wasn’t the nastiest thing she ever had to hear from them, but it still hurt.

“Oh Spirits,” Mom’s arms slowly enveloped her in tight embrace. “I went through the same thing when I was your age. I know how cruel kids can be.”

“It’s nothing, really. I usually try to ignore it, but they never stop, I don’t get it. Then another girl said something like: “What do you expect, it’s Liu’s daughter!” as if was an insult. Why would anyone hate you, Mom?”

“That’s a long story, my dear.” her mom’s eyes hazed with something strange. P’Li always worried about her mom when she got like this.

“I try my best to live the best way I can and start each day anew, because I love you all very much. Unfortunately, some people will always see you for something you’re not, remind you of your… flaws. But as long as you have someone who loves you unconditionally, the rest of the world doesn’t matter.” She looked into P’Li’s eyes and caressed her cheek tenderly. “Don’t let them get into you. You’re a normal, beautiful girl, P’Li. Dad, me and Lien-Hua will always love you.”

“I know,” she smiled weakly. “I just wish I could tune out the rest.”

 

*

 

She struggled to breathe as thick, dark smoke stung her eyes and lungs, making her vision teary, but thanks to adrenaline raising in her entire body, P’Li withstood it. She began searching through each room of the house, refusing to give up.

“Mom! Dad!” she shouted, then started coughing until she gasped for air.

_ They managed to get out sooner, that’s why no one answered. _ P’Li tried to convince herself. _ They aren’t upstairs. _ The upper floor was nearly fully engulfed in flames. Dad couldn’t bend, and Mom used her firebending only occasionally, same as her. P’Li definitely wasn’t good enough to stop this disaster.

“P’Li!” a child voice called from outside.  _ Lien-Hua. She’s alive. _ P’Li ran outside to find her sister, her face smudged with soot and tears, but  _ alive _ .

“Lien-Hua! Where are Mom and Dad? Have you seen them?” she asked frantically as she pulled her sister close.

“D-daddy was sleeping! I tried to wake him up, but he d-didn’t move! Then Mommy came and told me to r-run and find you, because you were looking for me, I h-heard you shouting. But Mommy didn’t want to come with me, she wanted to h-help Daddy, she said. She told me to go hide somewhere e-else!”

“I have to go back!” P’Li decided to try anything, but Lien-Hua clung to her arm. “No, Mommy wants us to run and hide! She promised me she would be alright and find us later, together with Daddy! She wants us to run b-before she finds us.”

Unlike Lien-Hua, P’Li recognized the lie.  _ There’s still time. If I go now, maybe I’ll save- _

Suddenly, an ominous cracking noise disrupted her thoughts, followed by deafening sound of explosion, and then, to her horror, roof tumbled down and buried everything what was left of their home.

_ No. No! This can’t be! This is all a dream!  _ P’Li hoped in childish naivety it was all some sort of twisted nightmare.  _ I need to wake up. Now! NOW! _

 

*

 

Clothes stuck to her skin damp of sweat, P’Li breathed deep, willing her heartbeat to slow down as she forcibly tore herself from another dose of painful memories. Regardless to how frequently they plagued her sleep, they always left a hollow ache in her chest.

_ Sometimes I wish I could forget. _

After few minutes, she became aware of her surroundings. The overhang sheltered from weather, but not from cold and humidity that came with the rain. At least she could see the sky now.

_ How did I get here? _ she struggled to remember, then images started to flood her brain… Zaheer, elevator, night sky, older man, then black nothing... arguing voices, discussing her future… everything so unbelievable she stopped asking herself whether it was a dream or reality. It seemed she had her answer now.

She looked around and recognized two figures, the only movement rise and fall of blankets as they inhaled and exhaled, both still in deep sleep. Zaheer and Xai Bau, those were their names. Yesterday, she woke up to a splitting headache - not at all uncommon to her, especially after long sessions of drill, and accidentally overheard part of their conversation. She heard enough to form an opinion of life Zaheer was going to offer to her. Despite his good intentions, she couldn’t join an organization willing to kill people opposing them. Although Daigo deserved it, who knew what else could they be capable of? They can’t be trusted. She had to leave.

P’Li got up as quietly as possible and walked on her tiptoes. As soon as mountain slopes no longer narrowed her views, hills and green filled her sight. To someone else it might have been pretty, but this was a frequent spot of her training. Still, she never got a proper idea of directions, probably just as intended. Not a single indication of where she came from and where to go now. Sun was already up, coloring grey sky in vibrant orange and red shades. Even the dawn, a sign of hope and new beginning, only reminded her of her failed first kill attempt just few days ago.

 

It didn’t take long until she decided to return. It was pointless to get lost here.

Water created many small ponds, reflecting the sky above like a flawless mirror. What looked back at her when she leaned closer, however, couldn’t really be her.

A deplorable sight with sunken cheeks, the left one still purple and swollen, eyes framed with dark circles, lips almost colourless. The most noticeable thing was the third eye tattoo, practically impossible to hide. Her hair was cut to her shoulders and messy, since Daigo didn’t let her take care of it, a part of punishment for her disobedience. How she loved it when Mom braided her thick hair, reaching her hips...

  
  


_ Damn it. Will those memories ever end? _ Once again, P’Li was reminded with harsh reality. She had no safe place to welcome her when the world decided to reject her very existence.

_ I could end it. Find a tall place or… or release a blast too close to an obstacle. It would be over, all the pain. But I couldn’t even kill that peasant before. What about my own life? _

Her grim thoughts were interrupted by familiar voice calling her name. Zaheer was running to her.

“There you are! I’ve been looking everywhere for you,” he stopped few metres away from her, catching his breath. He looked genuinely relieved, his lips forming a hesitant smile.

“Why?” she asked, voice colourless.

“I thought you ran away.”

There was no beating around the bush. “If I recall correctly, yesterday you said something about me being free,” she stated coldly. “Or did you already change the meaning behind your words in order to use me, just like Daigo?” she stared him down, demanding only absolute sincerity.

“Nothing like that, I swear. If you really want to leave, neither Xai Bau or I will stop you. It’s just way too easy to get lost here, and after you passed out yesterday, you need some breakfast.”

_ Food. Right. I forgot. _

Her stomach was, in fact, painfully tight. She always had a ravenous appetite and a day without food after the last encounter with Daigo left her weakened.

“I am a bit hungry,” she admitted and together she and Zaheer headed back.

 

As they approached the cave, they noticed Xai Bau had set a campfire and was in the middle of cooking. P’Li instinctively moved as close to the flames as possible.

“So Zaheer did find you, after all,” one corner of his mouth turned upwards in condescending smile. She ignored him.

“I suppose with no energy left you didn’t get far. But no worries, no one will stop you once you eat yourself full.”

_ Can’t wait to see my back, right? _ she thought, but accepted the bowl of food he passed her.

To her disappointment, it contained only rice and vegetables, some of it she didn’t even recognize. Not a single piece of meat.

Deciding it’d be awkward to ask about it, she just ate everything that wasn’t burnt (old man wasn’t such a good cook). Her portion only made her really hungry, but she didn’t dare to eat more, seeing as there wasn’t left enough for all of them.

“So… where do you plan to go? We can drop you in nearest town, since you can’t stay here, obviously. More like a village than actual town, but since we can’t waste anymore time, we won’t be changing our route.” Xai Bau announced. Zaheer stared at him in disbelief.

P’Li felt a dull stabbing in her chest. Just another reminder that like these two, no one would was ever going to accept her. _ I knew that before… so why does it hurt so much? _

“I understand you can’t wait to wave me goodbye, but it really doesn’t matter where you drop me.” she retorted. “You can’t even pretend to give a damn, so please… don’t bother.” Neither of men reacted to that.

She felt tears stinging her eyelids once again and felt even more miserable for letting him get to her. Pathetic.

“Save yourself trouble,” she looked away and started breathing deeply in hope to calm herself down, “and leave already. I can’t even stand to look at you,” she ran to the only place that could hide her from sight, back to their night shelter. Even then, she held it all inside, for the case they came back looking for her. She wouldn’t give them another look at her pain.

_ You can both disappear. I won’t put up with your fake compassion, I’d rather die! _

It was tearing her apart, though, feelings of uselessness and throbbing loneliness, contrasting with internalized belief she had no right to such anguish. She was born a monster, after all. Apparently no one ever took into account the possibility of  _ those _ deserving better than constant misery. 

___

“Great. Now look what you did!” Zaheer was appalled at Xai Bau’s insensitiveness. Talking to her like she was just a nuisance when she had no one else to help her… what had gotten into him?

“What I did? You heard her yourself. She won’t come with us. And even if she did, she probably wouldn’t last long.”

“How can you say that?! I really thought you had more tact than this.”

“After all I lived through, I wouldn’t have found it for dearest of my friends, much less for a lifeless victim. If you knew what I know, you’d recognize when you need to let go,” Zaheer couldn’t believe his ears. This was the man who supported his progress?

His disgust must have been obvious, because Xai Bau attempted to water down his statement.

“I would have probably reacted the same way in your age. But can’t you see you’re wasting your time on the wrong case, Zaheer?”

“Well, you practically told her to get lost. No wonder she got upset. But I won’t let this be.”

Determined to fix the mess his master had caused, Zaheer headed back to find her. He wasn’t certain of his success, but wouldn’t forgive himself if he didn’t try his best.

“P’Li?” he called, his sight adjusting to dark. He spotted her in the back, her back turned from him.

“Leave me be. Just go with your master already.” She wasn’t crying yet, but it wouldn’t take much longer.

“At least hear me out,” he got close enough not to need to raise his voice, but not interfering with her personal space. “Xai Bau clearly crossed a line and I apologize on his behalf. He also went through his number of losses, but that’s beside the point-”

“Get lost with all your damn help, I don’t need it!” she yelled as she finally faced him, eyes glistening with unshed tears. “No one asked you! As your master pointed out, it’s too late. You should have rather l-let me in t-that d-damned cell,” she lost it then and broke into frantics sobs, crouching down on the floor and hiding her face in her palms.

Zaheer couldn’t stand by any longer. He kneeled down next to her and put his arms around him in a loose embrace. She froze, but after she didn’t move back from his touch, he pulled her closer and rubbed her back gently as she cried her heart out, soaking the front of his shirt.

“It’ll be alright, I promise. Don’t cry, P’Li. You’ll be okay, just wait and see,” he didn’t recall any other situation like this from his past and in different circumstances, he would feel too awkward and out of his depth to try, but she desperately needed any sort of comfort.

“You’re a bad liar,” she muttered into his chest.

“You know,” a sudden idea came to his mind and he couldn’t believe he didn’t think of it sooner.

_ Guru Laghima. _ “Ages ago, a certain wise guru wrote: New growth cannot exist without first the destruction of the old.”

She lifted her head and frowned in confusion. “Spirits, what kind of nonsense…” she started, then toned down her distaste a notch, “what is that supposed to mean?”

Zaheer ignored the pang of offense after her reaction to his favorite poet, but then remembered it took time for him too to truly appreciate his brilliance.

“It means that once you’re left with absolutely nothing, the deepest bottom you’ve ever known, it’s time to rebound and rise again.”

“Well, that guru of yours doesn’t know a thing.” She pulled away from him and started wiping tears off her face.

“Why?” he remained patient, but if this was anyone else, say, Ghazan, Zaheer wouldn’t let  _ two insults _ slide.

“Everyone can spit fancy words, but some things are easier said than done. ”

“Have you tried it, though?” he persisted.

“What?”

“Start anew.”

Those words seemed to triggered something in her, like some kind of lost memory. She kept quiet for a while, but when she looked at him again, something changed.

“How?” she asked simply.

“I might have an idea.” he started, willing to bet she would listen to him now.

“Then spill it out,” she shrugged, but he caught the little glimpse in her eyes, almost nonexistent, but it was definitely there - hope.

 

*

 

P’Li doubted any other woman could be more beautiful than her mom. She was exceptionally tall, with soft features and long hair usually worn in ponytail or a braid. More than physical appearance, it was the radiant love for every single member of her family that made her special. Few things about her, however, kept bugging the curiosity of P’Li’s four-year-old self. For example, why did she always cover her forehead? Not a single day went by when she didn’t wear bandannas or soft silky kerchiefs, but P’Li never saw other moms do the same. Obviously, she had asked, but Mom’s answer never changed:  _ I like to. _

One day, she entered parents’ room just when Mom was loosening her braid, and her headband slipped off her forehead, revealing a big scar right in the middle.

“Mom! What happened to you?” P’Li panicked. The scar was ugly and covered most of Mom’s golden forehead. “So this is why you always wear this.” She pointed to the fabric.

“Yes, that’s why,” she sighed. “Listen,” she picked her up and sat her on her lap, “this looks terrible, right? But that’s all. It doesn’t hurt one bit,” she smiled.

“Really?”

“Yes.” She fixed up the headband and covered the hideous mark. P’Li could almost forget it was there.

“How did this happen?” Now, with one question answered, a ten new ones arose.

“I got burned. It was my fault, actually. I did some things… bad things, with fire, when I was younger.”

“What kind of things? You mean firebending?”

“You could say that. Back then, I had to find a job. Someone told me - we can offer you lots of money, you just have to do one thing.”

“And did you?”

“One and only time. Then,” Mom pointed to her forehead, “this happened. I learned my lesson and got away with just an ugly scar,” she smiled again, eyes glistening, and P’Li was satisfied enough to drop the subject.

“I don’t get it. You’re so kind, Mommy. You don’t deserve to be hurt,” she said at last, with all the foolproof logic of a little child.

Mom laughed. “I think it’s time for you to go to bed. We can talk tomorrow.”

“But I’m not sleepy.” P’Li protested, trying to suppress a yawn, but Mom noticed it.

“Yeah, I see that. Come on, I’ll read you some stories.”


	6. Long Long Journey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title comes from one of Enya's songs, which is weird, since I didn't even listen to her when I was writing this one.

Water crashed into solid wood of the boat, as if trying to find their way in. Water surrounded it from each side, the world reduced to dirty greyish blue merging with clouded skies on the horizon. It felt like the boat would keep sailing forever, with no destination, lost. Just like her. P’Li listened to splashing waves, their somnolent language dragging her fears out. 

Before the embark, they travelled on foot what turned out to be a great relief and help to keep all her worries at bay. Now thrown into uncertainty and passive waiting, P’Li was starting to feel like a helpless victim of circumstances beyond her influence again and despised it. She would rather walk herself to exhaustion like each day before.

 

-o-

 

Zaheer and Xai Bau moved fast and only stopped by in a small town - P’Li suspected the exact same one Xai Bau intended for their parting with her - to replenish their resources on a market. Due to Xai Bau’s demand, they covered their faces and moved separately not to attract attention.

Daigo might be dead, but as a famous figure on the island he had supporters sympathizing with ideas to restore Fire Nation to its former position. After the war, spreading of similar thoughts meant heavy reprimands, but the distance of the island and lack of restrictions allowed them to proliferate, and people like Daigo got away with their crimes with impunity. The road to peace wasn’t as sure and straightforward as everyone presented.

P’Li was more than happy to cover her distinct tattoo and move freely. At first, the idea of going anywhere and buying anything dazed her, but after a while of hesitation, she relished in distraction offered by various stalls. Sometimes, she noticed Zaheer looking briefly to check on her, but at enough distance to let her forget about the two of them for a while.

Her stomach grumbled. She looked around self-consciously but luckily neither of her companions were around. It couldn’t have been longer than an hour and half since her lunch. Xai Bau’s cooking didn’t improve at all, but she was always so hungry she gobbled down her share, earning few barely noticeable nasty glimpses from Xai Bau. In her opinion, he decided not to speak about his disapproval of her presence there, but his unvoiced judgement stung no less.

_ Be that way. I won’t spend any of their money than absolutely needed just to become more of a burden than I already am _ , she decided and stubbornly ignored delicious smells of dumplings, roast duck and numerous sorts of noodles.

She needed clothes, though, since her old ones barely held together and presented a memory she desperately wanted to leave behind. P’Li used to enjoy dressing up, then insecurity of her unusual height kicked in and she started to prefer dark colours as if to appear invisible. She picked exactly according to those criteria, dark maroon of cheap quality.

“I’ll carry it for you,” Zaheer offered and took the pack from her hands. She didn’t know whether to feel irritated with his constant care or wonder if she really looked that pitiful to him.

In the evening, the bag contained two small surprises. A beautiful brush adorned with tiny amber and red gemstones and a sac full of dumplings.

_ How did he…? _

Back at the market, it took a long time till she tore her eyes away from both, dumplings one of her favorite, brush both a luxury and a necessity. Her hair might be shorter than she ever wore, but she couldn’t look at its disheveled state any longer.

After a pleasant jolt of surprise, embarrassment followed. Just how obvious she must have been, how pathetic if he felt the need to appease her like a child…

 

-o-

 

After three days, they boarded a ship. Xai Bau paid a lot of money to have it all for the three of them, but warned them to keep quiet and not to talk to captain or anyone else. P’Li considered the order pointless. She barely spoke and Zaheer enjoyed his time alone.

Two day less until the end of their voyage to Earth Kingdom. Zaheer showed her on map the exact area where, as she figured, the rest of their group awaited. Some names and places she remembered vaguely from her school days. Even though they used to spark her interest, now she only wondered how cold and unwelcoming they soon would turn out to be for an outcast like her.

_ If I stuck out in school, what about an entirely foreign country? _

P’Li had been trying her best, but failed, to stop the intrusion of thoughts, her stomach awfully heavy with anxiety. She didn’t get to regret her decision yet - if she could call it such, since the other option was death, probably. That didn’t make the aftermath any easier, though. Should she feel content enough with the fact that she was being kept alive, with adequate conditions, for the price of feeling unwanted and barely tolerated?

_ Zaheer cares, though. At least… he did, although probably just out of pity. But since our departure, he’s been ignoring me completely. During our meals together, he looks away and never speaks. _

It confused her to the core. She might have liked the space at first, but now she was exposed to loneliness. Just like weather around her, it seeped in slowly and unnoticeably until she felt cold weight all around her, dragging her down. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to get to know the young boy a bit better.

  
___

 

Air Nomad philosophy and culture never ceased to amaze Zaheer as a source of infinite wisdom and enlightenment. Their way of life represented a clear example of living without rulers, freely and without restrictions, and worked efficiently while each member of society prospered, not only the lucky few who possessed the most of power.

After Fire Lord Sozin’s genocide, their message and heritage almost disappeared and faded to oblivion, Order of the White Lotus selfishly hiding and preserving what little was left. After their revelation, the organization fell into decline, their name and prestige providing its members lifelong wealth. Instead of caring for everyone’s well-being, they ended up enforcing a system which favored only them. Not many were open to see it, though, the actual members even less so, but thanks to a man with a vision, a hope for change appeared once again. Xai Bau and few of his friends established Red Lotus, with a mission to return the world to its original nature and knock down oppressive governments.

After leaving his home to join him, Zaheer had access to the most valuable knowledge in the world. And right now, his mind couldn’t find peace necessary for continuation of his studying. His master had his own theories why was it so, but Zaheer denied it.

 

_ “You should know where your priorities lie by now. Are you willing to lose sight of your goal just because of one life, instead of dedicating yourself for thousands? Let that girl be. She will never grow out of her past if you keep watch over her constantly like she might break.” _

 

_ Overacting as usual _ ,  _ but he’s partially right. She likes being alone more, after all. I should just forget about it… _

 

A soft knock on his door jerked him from his attempts to concentrate.

“Come in,” he called. Instead of Xai Bau, like he expected, it was P’Li slouching awkwardly through his door.

“Hi,” she spoke shyly, keeping her eyes at the rough floor. “Mind if I stay for a while?”

“No, not at all.” 

“Thanks,” she murmured and closed the door behind her. He gestured on tatty carpet - better than the bare board - and she sat down awkwardly, Zaheer’s scroll between them.

Despite her improved appearance - the bruise on her cheek fading to yellow, her face and lips a healthier colour, her hair brushed and pulled back in a simple ponytail and dark red bandanna covering her forehead - she didn’t seem happier.

A strange air of uneasiness hung around her, as if she didn’t feel completely safe in her environment. Zaheer decided to break the tension and start a conversation.

“How can I-” he began at the same time as she finally spoke. “I wanted to-” Both of them stopped and waited for the other to finish.

“You first,” Zaheer said to avoid another long silence.

“I just wanted to ask how long will it be until we reach the Earth Kingdom.”

“Just two or three days. Why? Is something bothering you?”

“Not at all. I’m fine,” she dismissed, but her eyes, shifting nervously, betrayed her.

Zaheer, once again, realized how difficult and uncomfortable it must have been for her, rely on people she had just met and even come to ask for his help when she had no idea what to do. Xai Bau’s well-meant advices could wait.

“It isn’t pleasant, being stuck at one place with two strangers and doubt your own decision, is it?”

She blinked in surprise. He hit the nail on the head.

“You could say so.” Blush of embarrassment colored her cheeks after she admitted it.

“It’s none of your matter. I shouldn’t have interrupted you-” she got up and tried to quickly leave his cabin.

“P’Li,” he spotted how she froze every time he called her by name, as if not used to it.

_ Did that tyrant deny her humanity so much he didn’t even bother to address her by name? I don’t really want an answer to that question. _

“Just few words,” he came closer, tilting his head back to look her into eyes properly. “No one deserves to experience what you had been through. It takes time to heal, but you don’t have to overcome it all on your own. Our paths crossed under worst circumstances imaginable. I know I’m no friend of yours… but if there’s any way I can help you, you can count on me.”

Her eyes glistened as she turned away from him.

“I should have probably said it sooner, but…” she took a deep breath, “thank you. You’ve done so much for me, even though I have no way of repaying you. I’m… I’m such a wreck, aren’t I?”

“No, you’re not. Trust me,” his hand lightly touched her shoulder, “every beginning is difficult.”

“I can’t ever be sure things are getting better,” she confessed, voice barely above a whisper. “For a while, it seems so, then the next moment fear is gripping my chest so tight I can’t breathe. My own mind is becoming an enemy of mine,” she breathed out. “I feel so weak.”

“You are far from weak,” he assured her. “Just surviving for this long is a proof of that.”

“Xai Bau probably doesn’t think so,” corners of her lips stretched into sour smirk.

“Forget about him. Sometimes I think he’s too experienced for his own good. Now… if you want to stay, I can definitely think of something to do.”

She nodded slowly. “Alright.”

 

At first Zaheer explained her the rules of pai sho, but after few games of him winning, P’Li gave it up.

“I bet you suggested this just to feel smart,” her dry tone showed no signs of previous jitter.

“While it’s true that Xai Bau always beats me, I think you were really getting into it in the last game. The key is to anticipate the opponent’s moves, tactics and reactions.”

She didn’t appreciate his tip.

“Is this all you do in your free time? Play pai sho and read?” she looked at him curiously.

“I also meditate at sunrise, but if you meant something more exciting, I spar with Xai Bau or others to practice my combat skills. That’s always a thrill, all of them are exceptional benders.”

“And you aren’t?”

“No. I was born as a non-bender, just like Xai Bau. However, even without bending, neither of us is helpless. He trained me in every martial art he knew, and now I am just as good as him.”

“One could mistake you for relatives, even though you don’t look alike.”

“I doubt that. Xai Bau travelled a lot and that enabled us to meet. I joined him almost immediately. I respect him like no one else. He does have his flaws, though, just like everyone else.”

“I noticed,” she replied wryly.

“You can’t take him too seriously. He was the same to me at first, considered me just some upper-class kid who tagged along. The beginnings were rough, but eventually, I got better and proved my worth,” he smiled mirthlessly at distant memory of what he once was. A rebellious teen, dissatisfied with everyone and everything, seeking validation in books and looking for someone who would understand. Without a second thought, he packed his things and left his family, didn’t care about the way it could affect them. They were probably better-off without him, but he wished he had been more considerate.

“So that’s what he expects? That’s his cost for decency?” the idea clearly disgusted her.

“No, no such thing. I chose to follow him and he had to be certain I can keep up. Xai Bau is far from heartless, I can assure you. All the wrongdoing he witnessed hardened him, but he dedicated his whole life to help as many people as possible,” he carefully chose his words to give her basic picture, but not reveal too much. “A single life means little to him. He would even give up his own if that led to a better world. He isn’t hostile towards you for any personal reason, but doesn’t see how helping you changes the bigger picture.”

“Trying to put me off is another thing entirely,” she argued. Zaheer didn’t believe that was his master’s intention and was about to protest when door opened and this time, no one other than Xai Bau stood there.

“Dinner’s ready. Oh,” his sight stopped on P’Li, sitting on the floor along with Zaheer, pai sho board between them. “So this is where you’ve been. I didn’t know what to tell Zaheer when I found out you disappeared.”

“Did you hope I jumped overboard?” she shot him with a glare, her voice biting.

Xai Bau pointedly ignored her remark, but his lips formed a thin line.

“You should go eat before it gets cold,” with that he turned around and left.

“Wow… he isn’t used to people getting sarcastic with him. I sure wouldn’t dare to talk to him like this.” Zaheer only hoped that he would forget about it.

“He isn’t going out of his way to be thoughtful, so I don’t know why I should take it,” she shrugged, then stood up before he had time to tell her it wasn’t a wise attitude to hold.

“Let’s not keep him waiting too long.”

Anything he had to say about it had to wait.

  
___  
  


The next day Zaheer approached her first and they spent most time in his cabin again. Several rounds of pai sho and P’Li was starting to get a knack of it and won last few games, but she never shook off the suspicion Zaheer had let her. It helped until they managed to shake off the awkwardness and start talking more openly.

Zaheer must have noticed the source of her nervousness - she wanted to avoid talking about herself and stray away from anything painful - and let her decide what she was interested in. After overcoming her initial restraint, she grew curious and asked without thinking - the world, technology, Earth Kingdom, his own interests (pointing at the number of scrolls he had).

He turned out to be quite talkative, and after getting to a subject he was especially passionate about, almost to the point of lecturing.

Zaheer admired Air Nomad philosophy and from the way he spoke about their society, she concluded he must have viewed it as the perfect world. She didn’t know enough to argue, but couldn’t help but feel sceptical. As far as she was concerned, they used to live reclused from the rest of the world, without material possessions, their moral strictly pacifist, and it brought them to their own end. P’Li simply couldn’t believe that no one would try and usurp more power, destroying the precarious equality.

The biggest flaw of his, in her opinion, was idealism to point of blindness towards reality. He did it before when talking about his master, and now when his eyes shone with visions of new world. He was patient, though, and more than willing to satisfy her curiosity if it meant making her feel better. He even borrowed her some books from his collection for evening reading. They mostly contained records and theories about nature of the world, each form of bending and the Avatar, which was fascinating, but difficult to process after three years without a lot of mental activity.

P’Li wasn’t sure how she felt about him - time spent with him soothed her, but she would give it up in a second when she remembered what she used to have. Her own dreams taunted her with reminders of that, as if she wasn’t meant to ever regain her peace of mind.

_ “Wh-where am I?” she was back in her eleven-year-old self, and just woke up in her old room, in her old, soft bed. “How did I get here?” _

_ “Just sleep, you don’t have any school today,” a drowsy voice she didn’t hope to hear ever again mumbled on her left. P’Li turned around and found Lien-Hua, slumbering and drooling all over her pillow. _

_ “Lien-Hua? You… you’re here? You’re  _ alive _?” _

_ “ ‘course I am, what kind of stupid quest’n is that?” _

_ P’Li jumped to her feet, an enormous wave of joy rushing through her body. _

Could it be… It never happened?

_ She recognized the colours, even the smell of her room. She was home. _

_ She ran down the stairs to her parents’ bedroom. “Mom? Dad!” she shouted, not caring if she woke them up. _

_ “What’s the matter, P’Li? Did something happen?” her mom walked out of bedroom door, dressed in her nightgown, a headband lopsidedly covering her forehead, her hair messy. Just like she remembered her from every morning. _

_ “Mom! I’m so glad to see you!” she hugged her tightly, breathing in her unique scent. _

_ “Carefully there, you’ll break my ribs,” Liu laughed as she hugged her daughter back. _

_ “I had a terrible dream, Mom! I thought you’re all gone, that I’m alone,” she weeped like a baby, but she didn’t care. Everything was alright. _

_ “Aw, come on, don’t be such a child. Didn’t I tell you countless times, you need to get stronger and stop to be so damn emotional all the time,” her ringing voice had gradually changed into harsh and hateful, fingers gently caressing her shoulders suddenly gripped them painfully and Daigo threw her on the floor mercilessly. _

Her body’s fear response jerked her awake. She lied awake in her own room, eyes stinging, dull, hollow ache filling her chest. For a while, she felt like crying but tears didn’t come. Maybe there just wasn’t any more to spend.

_ They are gone. I can’t hide from it anymore. I might never find the same love and acceptance again, but this way, I will never get past it. _

She got up and went out to clear her head. Since her escape, closed, dark rooms always managed to make her feel like she was suffocating, to some degree even this spacious cabin. The air was cold, but not chilly with drizzle anymore. She sat down next to the railway again and watched the horizon, inky blue sky and a soft lullaby of waves. It would have been peaceful if it wasn’t for the feeling of irreplaceable loss in her chest.

“P’Li? What are you doing here?” a shadow fell on her as Zaheer came closer.

“Sitting. I don’t know what else could this be,” she replied, without the edge she used around Xai Bau.

“No need to play words with me,” he squatted down next to her. “What’s wrong?”

“Just a nightmare. I’m fine now.” Several days of bonding weren’t enough for her to discuss it further.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he offered tentatively.

“What good would it do?” she replied with a defeated shrug.

“According to some teachings, people should share both happy and sad experiences of theirs with others - for joy to grow, to dissipate the sorrow.”

The way he said it made her think of his favorite gurus whose quotes he had been occasionally slipping into their conversations. It would fit - another advice which might sound pretty to ears, but hurt to follow.

“I have no intention of reliving it again,” she shook her head, but thought about it. She would give anything for that crushing burden to vanish and let her breathe easier. So what if it took some more pain? She was well used to worse, after all.

_ He understood before, when I first came to talk to him. And it helped. What do I got to lose now? _

“I miss them,” she revealed. “My family,” she rushed to continue before she could change her mind. “I lost them all, except for my sister. Her presence made those years in captivity easier to bear, but when Daigo found out she didn’t display any remarkable talent for combustionbending, it was just a matter of time until he got rid of her. We tried to run away one night, but that was the last straw for him and he…” her voice broke and she couldn’t finish her sentence. Zaheer put his warm hand over hers. Simple contact comforted her and after a while, she found enough strength to continue.

“It’s been a long time since then, but it still haunts me. For few months, I stubbornly trained in hope to take him down by the only thing he kept me for... I still think that if it weren’t for that escape attempt, s-she could still live,” she choked on her words and pushed her eyelids together tightly to stop herself from crying.

“It wasn’t your fault,” Zaheer argued in calm voice, like when he had explained the Future Industries to her. “Daigo could have been waiting for an opportunity to do that for a long time, your attempt only played right into his cards. He knew that grief, and guilt, too, would keep you from rebelling against him. Or he would find a way how to use her to manipulate you. This might sound harsh,” he wavered, “but death was your sister’s release. Maybe it’s time you found a path towards your own.”

She pondered his words thoughtfully, then confessed another one of fears that plagued her mind. “I don’t think I can ever stop missing them. The pain just doesn’t go away, no matter what.”

“Deep wounds like these take their time to heal. Rushing the process would only hurt you more. Being locked away, each day a reminder of what you lost, the process couldn’t even start.”

“And you think now it can?” she asked abruptly. “People looked down on me before all of this happened, what now when I’m some kind of third-eyed freak?!”

“The society we live in is faulty and full of condemnation for those who don’t fit some artificially defined image of normalcy. Still,” his lips twitched, “I find it hard to imagine anyone looking down on  _ you _ ,” his eyes lifted to the top of her head.

Despite her better judgement, she snorted with laughter and didn’t stop until tears were coming from her eyes.

“That was terrible,” she jokingly glared on him, corners of her mouth still turned upwards.

“I know,” he admitted, his tone timid. “I normally leave bad jokes to other, uhh, members of our group, but I couldn’t pass up such an excellent opportunity.”

“On more serious note,” he started again, “you can count on me, as I said before. I can stand by you as long as you need regardless of what anyone says, if you want me to. It’s not much compared to comfort of real family, but everything starts somewhere, right?”

P’Li only now realized that she felt lighter. Definitely. It was, as he said, just a beginning, but for now, more than enough.

“Sun will soon start rising,” he pointed to a bright blaze starting just above the horizon. For some reason, her failed mission was the last thing on her mind now.

She yawned, suddenly feeling tired and uncomfortable from sitting on cold board so long. She decided to skip the rest of the show and go back to her cabin.

“Thank you, Zaheer,” she gave a soft, hesitant smile as they parted..

“Don’t mention it,” he returned it and let her head back to her own cabin. For now, her doubts about him had diminished and P’Li was sure about one thing - she didn’t want him to leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one went through biggest changes yet. I toned down my initial attempts to squeeze P'heer closer together too soon. After all, it makes sense for P'Li to be wary of physical contact. It feels more natural now, so I hope you liked it too :)
> 
> Also, I'm probably the least subtle person about it, but this chapter, and the previous one, hints to avatar-dacia's (RhazadeWaterbender on AO3) headcanon about constantly hungry teenage combustionbenders. Makes perfect sense, so why not include it?


	7. Changes

Zaheer was used to seeing many sunrises as the down was the best possible time for meditating, but now the rich, lively colours seemed extraordinary to him. Maybe P’Li should have stayed a while longer, but he didn’t mean to pressure her and shatter her slowly building trust in him.

Weeks ago, if someone told Zaheer that he would stray from his ideals, from everything Xai Bau had spent last few months teaching him - about forgetting his sympathy for individuals, because even the best case scenario wouldn’t be without its sacrifices - about his own beginnings and the loss of many precious friends, so he learnt to harden his heart, because any of the remaining could die in a next mission, or the one after - about avoiding people who brought distraction from their objective… if someone told him, Zaheer would have said they underestimated his dedication. He thought of himself as immune to each kind of pain human beings could live through that drew compassion out of toughest hearts. And here he was, anyway.

Sound of footsteps made him turn around to find his master standing in close vicinity.

“Good morning, Zaheer. Morning meditation?” his master asked, his tone full of uncharacteristic tension. It warned Zaheer to answer truthfully.

“Just admiring the view. It’s been a while since I saw one this beautiful,” he turned his head towards the horizon where the sky was set ablaze.

“How poetic. Why didn’t your new friend stay?”

There it was. Zaheer didn’t find it surprising, since Xai Bau always rose before dawn, so he probably saw P’Li leaving. What bugged him was the implication he was caught during something he shouldn’t have done.

“She needed her rest,” he replied simply.

Xai Bau sighed with exasperation. When he spoke, it was clear he was trying his best to reach his student without slipping into a lecture.

“Zaheer… I know you feel hopeful, as if thanks to you, she’s getting better. Playing saviour like this can be motivating, since you gain more enthusiasm to help the rest of the world, so that her case never happens again. But I have to inform you that as soon as we’re back, I expect you to catch up to your training and other duties.”

“I think that much is obvious,” Zaheer disliked his choice of words - didn’t it occur to him he was talking about a human being, not a plaything Zaheer had decided to waste his time with? - but kept any retorts to himself.

“Good. Just to remind you - years ago, you wanted nothing more but to join me, even though you knew about the kind of life you’re choosing. So don’t forget that, even in light of recent events.”

Zaheer held his tongue behind his teeth in order not to lash out to the man he had held on a pedestal as the pinnacle of wisdom… until now.

“I have no issues whatsoever. As long as you discuss any problems regarding my progress or lack thereof with me and me only, without pulling  _ anyone else _ into it.” The statement carried a shadow of threat - Xai Bau had the loyalty of his successor at stake if he decided to lash out at her, ever.

“I’m a realist, not a sadist like that depraved captor of hers,” Xai Bau replied coldly. “I have no gain of inflicting more misery upon a poor child. But I beg you to get rid of the illusion that you can protect her from harm forever.”

“I don’t operate under any sort of illusions. If that was the case, I wouldn’t be here,” Zaheer hoped his master didn’t pick up on the hidden double meaning.

After he didn’t comment further and discussion was over, Zaheer couldn’t shake off the suspicion he did.

 

___

 

P’Li felt utterly thankful when the image of eternal sea she got so used to changed into a dark mass of land on the horizon. Thanks to Zaheer, the voyage didn’t cause her much discomfort anymore, but she preferred feeling the miles go by in her own feet.

Turned out, it wouldn’t be as much as before, just another supply replenish in the harbor and then getting to a “meeting spot”. Scarce information, coming from Zaheer who relished in explaining to smallest details, but it obviously concerned “the rest of the group”, as he referred to their mysterious organization, so nothing more as long as she was still within the earshot.

Speaking of which, Zaheer again barely talked to her, but his glances in her direction as they were walking in line - Xai Bau in the front, she in the back - led her to believe this time, Xai Bau was responsible. Each day passed, she disliked the old man more and more and decided to show him she could take anything, her resolution partially hardened by spite. He would never see her break down, never find out where her weakness lied.

So far, she was doing better than she herself expected. She noticed every significant landscape or building they passed, her sight automatically seeking potential sources of danger, the side effect of living through Daigo’s merciless training. Despite the memories associated, she found it helpful for focusing her mind elsewhere and turning her thoughts away from dark places. The world was full of change, images she had never seen before. Under different circumstances, she would be nothing but eager, but despite her best best efforts, she couldn’t stop occasionally wondering about her forthcoming fate.

According to what she recalled in a blur from her first night when they thought she had been still unconscious and not capable of listening - their group opposed the government and White Lotus fought against them. P’Li, for one, never met a White Lotus member, even though after the war they were quite common, but remembered how she was taught in school they aided the Avatar in restoring peace. If White Lotus opposed whatever bunch she was about to get dragged into, how could they be at least somewhat decent people?

Zaheer might be trustworthy, but he was still a teen, probably the youngest from them, she estimated. If any of the elder members resembled Xai Bau, she didn’t look forward to living with them one bit. She couldn’t - and didn’t want to unless she had no other choice - rely on Zaheer, either, because Xai Bau probably had his own plans with him. Something involving changing him to his picture without any distractions, she was sure.

No matter how P’Li looked at things, she wasn’t in for the brightest of futures. She still decided to try and make at least something out of it since she had managed to get this far. As long as no one intended to abuse her powers for their own purpose, she could withstand it.

Her combustionbending, the source of all suffering in her life, was a matter she stubbornly put away until she recovered enough to think of it without the burst of urge to scrape the skin of her forehead bloody. In spite of that, hope arose in form of faded memory, almost dreamlike - raw, distorted pink of scar tissue, her mother’s evasiveness and a humble confession of her crime watered down to four-year-old’s understanding. It was so unclear, so distant she might as well consider it one of her own mind’s creations, but she knew it really happened, she needed to believe it. Her mom was one, too - a freak, born for desolation. She found happiness and acceptance, nevertheless. Maybe if she hid her own tattoo from sight, at least until she got strong enough to get rid of it for good - she could have the same, eventually.

“Say, Zaheer,” she dared to start when Xai Bau got so ahead of them he couldn’t hear. “What should I expect when it comes to this group of yours?”

“Oh, don’t worry too much about it,” he smiled. “There aren’t many people, so you’ll have your privacy. Ghazan is the only one in our age, except for Unalaq, but he is rarely around, last time months ago. I can introduce you anyway if you’d like. Ghazan is a bit troublesome. He tends to be arrogant and snarky, no good if you ask me, but if he really hated us that much, he wouldn’t be there. You can always just stay away from him if he makes you uncomfortable.”

“That’s all?” she needed to make sure. This didn’t seem too bad.

“Some older members, too. You’ll see in a short while. We arrived at the meeting spot,” he pointed to Xai Bau who sat down in lotus position about thirty metres ahead of them.

P’Li struggled to see, exactly, made this spot perfect for meditating, but Xai Bau took only few minutes before he got up again.

After a while of waiting, they spotted a Satomobile coming. P’Li never saw one before and only recognized it from Zaheer’s descriptions. From what he told her, Hiroshi Sato made a fortune on them and they were commonly available for ordinary people. Seeing it on her own even deepened the sense of irreversible change happening in her life.

“I can’t believe Zhi underwent the ultimate sacrifice,” Xai Bau commented dryly, unusual smirk twisting his lips.

“No one else could, otherwise she wouldn’t risk it,” Zaheer added. P’Li didn’t understand their joking, until a deep, sulky female voice answered: “Enough sneering and get in, or I will let you go on foot.”

“That’s Zhi, one of our group. She hates any kind of vehicle and often gets sick, so right now I wouldn’t talk at all. She will probably be curious about you later,” Zaheer explained quietly while Xai Bau took a front seat.

P’Li nodded and got in, settling behind the passenger’s seat. She had a good view on the woman now. By her graying shoulder-length hair with a small top-knot on the crown of her head, P’Li assumed she was about Xai Bau’s age. Her face was twisted in surly grimace, which was probably the reason why it was so wrinkled. The air of hostility was practically hanging around her and reminded P’Li distantly of Daigo. Familiar weight of anxiety sunk deep into her chest.

Zaheer must have spotted her inner turmoil and he gently squeezed her hand. “It will be alright, trust me.” She let his voice and warmth soothe her senses, closing her eyes, willing her worries to disappear the same way as image of the driving woman.

Zhi probably wanted to get over with their ride as quickly as possible, even if it made everyone uncomfortable and aware of each bump and turn. P’Li resisted sickness building in her stomach. Her initial fascination with a Satomobile vanished.

“Let me take over, you must be tired,” Xai Bau pointed on the steering wheel, but his voice had a teasing edge instead of concern.

“Unless you want me to get even more sick, stick your offer somewhere where the sun doesn’t shine,” she mumbled. “We’re almost there anyway.”

“Your perception of distance must be worse than I thought,” he retorted briskly.

“Like you’re one to talk,” she snickered. “Remember that one time in Omashu?”

“It happened six years ago, it’s about time you let it go.”

“Fine. It’s not like I don’t have plenty of your other shining moments of failure to choose from.”

Xai Bau let out an exasperated sigh, but didn’t continue with the conversation.

Amused, P’Li couldn’t help but feel a touch of sympathy for Zhi now, for putting Xai Bau in place. As cold and tactless as he was, the image she had of him being an untouchable authority among his peers maybe wasn’t so accurate.

She glanced at Zaheer. He didn’t seem surprised by their behaviour to each other. This looked like an everyday occurrence.

_ Who knows how living with them will be like? _

 

P’Li lost track of time and didn’t know how far they’ve come when the Satomobile stopped. She stepped out to get some needed fresh air and looked around. Sun was shining on mostly dry rocky area covered with grass here and there. The mountains looked sharp as if wind had cut each rim, but nothing grew on them. She wondered who could be living in the middle of nowhere like this.

“Perfect for earthbending,” Zaheer commented when he got out and noticed her confusion.

“Do you really want to tell me this is where your group lives?” she didn’t expect much, but she failed to see how surviving here for a long time was even possible. It resembled a desert.

“Not really. We move from place to place often and usually stay few weeks or months. This looks abandoned and inhospitable, right? No one usually wanders here, which is convenient for us,” he spoke in low voice, as if revealing secrets she wasn’t supposed to hear.

“Cut the secrecy, Zaheer,” Zhi called and walked around the Satomobile to get closer to them. “Why shouldn’t we all hear what you have to say to our new member?”

“Wait, she isn’t a-” Zaheer started, but Xai Bau interrupted him.

“I should’ve informed you sooner. This,” he pointed to P’Li, “is just a child we rescued from Daigo’s dungeons.”

“Right, that’s what you went there for, anyway. To end him and save any poor souls he got his filthy hands on. Why did you drag her with you all the way, though?” she raised an eyebrow and her coppery brown eyes stabbed into PLi’s own. For a woman a good head shorter than her, Zhi made her stomach curl with fear. Xai Bau might be an insensitive jerk, but let her stay after all. What if Zhi decided she wanted her gone?

“We couldn’t afford to let her fall into hands of our enemies,” Xai Bau hurried to say.  _ Strange, _ P’Li thought.  _ After all those displays of disapproval, he suddenly advocates for me? _

“And why is that? Why would they take interest in her?” her tone demanded an explanation, without excuses.

“Because of her rare power. You know what I’m talking about.”

“You mean…?” her gaze halted on her forehead, as if seeing what was now protected from the world by her bandanna.

“Take it off,” Zaheer nudged her softly.

P’Li loosened the knot keeping two ends of the fabric together. She felt bare and exposed under their inspection and despised every second of it.

_ Another one who will only see me as a thing to put in her own use.  _ Zhi’s parallels with Daigo were  really starting to get on her nerves. No more of that. She, just like Xai Bau, wasn’t worth of seeing her vulnerable.

“Are you done yet? Or should I wait until your eyes fall out?” she asked sharply when Zhi continued staring without a word. Her look immediately changed from fascinated to resentful. She clearly didn’t expect her object of interest speak up. 

“Cover it if you want to so bad,” she shrugged.

She returned Zhi’s glare with all contempt she could gather while hiding her tattoo from sight again.

“Her gift was abused in the worst conditions you can imagine. No one would take such inspection lightly,” Xai Bau continued.

“That’s understandable,” Zhi agreed, though her voice was still stiff. “I don’t want to know what she’s been through. But still… what’s her reason for staying with us?”

“Safety,” Xai Bau didn’t give her an opportunity to speak for herself as if she really wasn’t anything more than an object expected to stand quietly when her own life was at stake. “And time to heal.”

“I see,” Zhi didn’t comment anything more. “Well then. I need to discuss some matters with you in private,” she grabbed his forearm and literally dragged him away.

As soon as they disappeared, Zaheer spoke in hushed, concerned voice

“I’m really sorry, P’Li. It must have been awfully uncomfortable for you.”

“No kidding,” she pointedly avoided looking at him. Her insides were boiling. “But she managed the impossible, to make me actually dislike her more than Xai Bau.”

“Yeah,” Zaheer uttered, that simple word just seeping from reluctance. “You know, she isn’t that bad, actually,” he apparently concluded it was time for him to try and apologize other people’s actions again.

“No. Stop right there.” she raised her finger close to his face to silence him. “I don’t want to hear how she saw too much and lost too many people or whatever. That’s no excuse for this.”

She felt her body temperature rising rapidly. 

“Do you know how that’s like, to hear that you’re just a weapon meant to be kept in top condition, regulated by someone else, and your humanity is a lie?”

All those hurtful things she half-believed resurfaced again.

“And when you get out, even though it was supposed to be over - people treat you the same way, even deciding if you’re worth enough the trouble to keep, confirming everything he had ever told you?” her voice barely rose above her normal level, but pent-up anger from being insulted for too long made even Zaheer look afraid for a split second.

She had much more to say, but felt her terrible migraine kicking in. She became aware of throbbing in familiar spot in the center of her forehead, as if her emotions threatened to spill through the most devastating of means.

She breathed in and out, willing the tension to dissipate, a wave of dizziness making her stumble. Zaheer jumped to her side and caught her forearms to help her regain balance.

“‘m fine,” she panted. After a while, her heartbeat decreased to normal.

“I’m sick of it, Zaheer. I don’t care about anyone’s reasons… it just hurts, don’t you see?” she mumbled, her voice dull.

“I know it does. Seeing you like this, I wish no one had to suffer this way,” he sighed.

“I don’t get it. I despise my power, wish I didn’t have to live a second longer being marked like this,” she didn’t bother to show, Zaheer knew what she meant, “but what gives other people the impression I deserve to be treated like dirt because of it?”

Contradictory beliefs clashed inside her. On one hand, absolute acceptance from her family, her own natural conviction everyone deserved respect and not to have their humanity violated, with newly-found refusal to let anyone do her any more wrong.

On the other, Daigo’s everyday brainwashing, burning hatred for what she was and feelings of being responsible for the loss of her family. If she didn’t possess the ability, Daigo would leave them all alone. Memories of the only combustionbender that was widely known came to her mind - an assassin sent to end the Avatar and many other people before. How could anyone blame the society, something was trying to persuade her, for despising such people? Destruction was in their very nature, after all.

“You know,” Zaheer started patiently, which let her know another detailed explanation was around the corner, “that’s exactly why I chose this path. Who says, for example, that bloodbending should be illegal? Those who have the power to do so, deciding on only their experience and opinion. No one cared that waterbenders were exposed to inhuman conditions during their incarceration by Fire Nation - the first bloodbender still got to spend the rest of her life in prison. World leaders present an obstacle to freedom and true equality. Power imbalances are enabled to flourish. A victim, such as you, is judged more harshly than a man who believed that Fire Nation is destined to rule over all and stomped over numerous lives to achieve that. All of them need to be stripped from their power, through any means necessary.”

Zaheer’s eyes were set alight with something almost fanatical and P’Li doubted he was aware of how much he just slipped compared to his previous attempts to keep quiet about his group’s business. Theoretically speaking, his ideals were hard to disagree with, but looking at him now, she realized he wouldn’t stop for anything if he deemed someone worthy of Daigo’s fate.

A blink of an eye and it was gone. Was her disturbance too obvious?

“Your first impression of her might not be the best,” he continued in his normal tone, “but Zhi, just like Xai Bau, studies a lot, firebending and its subforms her specialty. She might know a bit more about the history of combustionbending and how it came to this point, if you wanted to find out more about it. Seeing someone capable of it in the flesh must have been a dream come true to her. No wonder she couldn’t take her eyes off you.”

Her stare made him try to reword his statement. “I’m just saying, obviously it doesn’t make it right. But I think you’ll change your mind about her. She is strict and harsh, but always fair.”

“I’ll see about that on my own, if you don’t mind,” she replied dryly.

Zaheer didn’t respond anymore because they spotted them coming back. P’Li gave up trying to prepare herself for whatever was about to come. At this point, she was only sure that just like before with Xai Bau, she wasn’t going to hold back if the woman stepped over the line.


	8. Meetings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After comparation of legth of dialogue between Zaheer and P'Li at the end of previous chapter and this one at the beginning, I had to drag it out a bit to make them at least approximately equal in how much time they would hypothetically take. I tend to fuss over details like that. I will try my best to not put OCs into spotlight since I'm a newbie when it comes to them and probably making lots of mistakes. Writing Red Lotus members with what little background we have on them, not to mention in their young years, feels like building up OCs, too, so I'm just complicating things for myself. So far, however, they have a certain role to fill in this story, so I can't avoid using them.
> 
> Anyway, enjoy :)

Zhi led him away from those two, disbelief slowly growing in her. How could Xai Bau of all people, paranoid, stubborn pedant, be so blind to dangers of this? Having an outsider living with them just like that, even for a short period of time, would sooner or later get them in perilous situation. She really hoped he had a good explanation for his actions.

“Would you stop dragging me? I think we’re far enough,” he uttered, but his words resembled a polite request more than half-hearted mocking he reserved for her. 

_ So he knows he’s in deep shit. _

“You’re in no situation to object,” she spat, but stopped, crossed her arms and her gaze stabbed sharply into his. “Now speak.”

“About what?”

“Oh don’t you waste my time like this, shouldn’t it be obvious by now?! You must have hit your head pretty hard if this seems like a good idea to you! Have you completely lost your mind?”

“Before you start yelling, I was completely against it. Zaheer set his mind on saving her and taking her with us. I only allowed him as much because she was hopeless and I didn’t expect her to pull through.”

“Xai Bau, if it was only about saving her life or whatever, I wouldn’t give a damn. I’m just thinking of what you apparently didn’t take into account - safety of us all. How do you imagine it? The longer she stays, the more she’ll know about us. She can jeopardize everything we’ve been working on.”

“I don’t think that’s the case. She experienced the opression firsthand and wouldn’t take her own enemy’s side. It’s more likely certain influences could shape her up into a great asset.”

“Oh, do you even realize how much you’re contradicting yourself?” their serious debate was turning ridiculous all over again. “You thought she wouldn’t make it and now you think she has what it takes to join us? I admit, it wouldn’t be the first instance of rotten judgement of a character from your side-” she had agreed not to bring it up, but if Xai Bau’s memory was really so short all of a sudden, his ego be damned.

“Don’t,” he squeezed her forearm in unspoken warning. The threat was completely empty, if she had to say.

“... so excuse me if I stay a bit wary of it in the future. Spirits, at least someone should.”

“You were the one who said it’s behind us and not to be mentioned again! But only for times when it’s convenient for you, right?”

“What else am I supposed to do?! Let you dismiss me again only to look at shards of what was left of our effort later?” hidden pain tore through her facade of nagging criticism, letting him see this wasn’t about proving herself right over him, like he thought.

His grip loosened. For a while, only their eyes continued the battle of wills. As usually, he lost.

“Do you really think I would have let myself slip again?” he asked, guilt heavy in his voice, in the slump of his shoulders and even his eyesight fell defeated to the ground.

“I don’t, Xai Bau. I only want to hear a reasonable idea of what should be done. Loud and clear,” she replied, tired of their constant back and forth. Regardless of their effort to keep peace for the sake of their goals, conflicts between them always began anew.

“I admit, she has the exact kind of power the Red Lotus seeks. But as we saw before, that alone isn’t enough. Right now, we need loyalty over prodigies,” she reminded, letting old hurt slip into her voice one more time.

The look in his eyes softened. “Zhi, I know this is far from good idea. I can’t tell how it turns out, but if nothing else, Zaheer learns something, even though I wanted to spare him from it. I need to keep an eye on him, so the only option left is to entrust the girl to you. However, if I happen to notice anything suspicious, I won’t hesitate to take precaution.”

Xai Bau’s grave mistake of accusing her of overreacting, of being afraid of her own shadow, had resulted in numerous deaths caused by betrayal of a trusted comrade. The remorse wouldn’t let him act carelessly once again, she knew.

“I have your word,” she spoke then, decision hardening her voice.

“As always,” he nodded sternly and together they headed back to two teens waiting for them.

As Zhi looked at the female combustionbender again, she couldn’t supress curiosity taking over her again. How long did it take for her to obtain this ability? How well was she able to handle it? Power-crazed tyrants like Daigo used many shortcuts to quicken the long and difficult process of opening the sixth chakra. She might as well be one of those few who had it overdeveloped since birth. She didn’t even want to think of how he probably bastardized a ceremony once sacred, comparable with airbenders getting tattoos as symbols of their mastery.

They were close enough for her to recognize the look of defiance in the young girl’s eyes. She had to be careful with her if she didn’t want the past to repeat itself, but in spite of that Zhi started wondering if she could somehow undo the damage caused by Daigo. Probably not. By the way she always covered her tattoo - once worn with pride by those who possessed it - Zhi saw that hatred for her own abilities had already settled deep inside her.

“Time to go. We’ve wasted enough time as it is. Xai Bau, take the Satomobile. Zaheer, go ahead and let the rest know we’ve arrived. You,” she looked at the girl, deliberately keeping her voice strict, to let her know she wasn’t planning to give her any kind of special treatment, “come with me.”

She did, though unwillingly.

“Next time, keep that sour face to yourself,” Zhi admonished with a small sneer. “I am not one to be enemies with.”

“I’ve lived through worse. Ironically, he used to say the same thing,” she retorted, not even sparing the older woman a glance.

Anything she said only set the girl off. Maybe her approach was too tough, but Zhi sensed a powerful will within the girl. Unlike Xai Bau, Zhi didn’t doubt she would overcome her past, maybe sooner than expected. It was only a matter of time until a bright fire set alight, whether it would help to guide them closer to their goals - or burn what little there had been left of them. Zhi realized the key lied in making the rules crystal clear to her, without shaping herself up into another enemy of hers. A hard task. Someone like Xai Bau, who completely lost touch with his human side and used missions and philosophy lessons with his student as means to numb himself to never-ending guilt could never be the right person for such a task. On the other hand, Zhi was aware of her own stern, intimidating nature, the result of necessity of an unbreakable figure to keep everyone in touch with reality. What the girl needed - discipline, not abuse.

_ Don’t let yourself look too far, Zhi. Right now, ensuring security has more weight than your silly ideas. First things first. _

_ ___ _

Getting close to hideout, Zaheer kept looking around. That special spot in seemingly ordinary wall of dusty brown same as everything around. No one would expect members of a secret society hiding inside these mountains. No delight, living like a badgermole, though. Zaheer preferred sleeping under night sky, but after many times their organization nearly faced annihilation, elder members insisted on staying out of sight as often as possible.

He finally found the secret entrance, to his shock already yawning wide. An earthbender was supposed to wait here for the members returning from a mission to verify their identities and then let them in! Who would be so careless to leave it unguarded just like that?

“Already back?” a voice called and Zaheer didn’t have to look to recognize him. Soon, he was joined by a dark-skinned boy with muscular build and unreadable expression on his face.

_ I should’ve known. _

“You were the one to leave this open just like that?” Zaheer gestured  his hand to gaping hole.

“Before you start criticizing me like that master of yours,” Ghazan started, “I was nearby just practicing a new move for a while. If anyone who shouldn’t be here appeared, I would’ve sensed him.”

“It’s good to know your seismic sense has improved that much during the time we were gone… which was about two weeks,” Zaheer was glaring right into his hazel eyes, knowing that he got him. Ghazan, their newest member, wouldn’t be so difficult to stomach if it wasn’t for his unbearable attitude. They were short on members, but was it worth recruiting someone who always acted like one step away from open betrayal?

He just rolled his eyes and smirked, as if Zaheer wasn’t more relevant to him than some annoying fly. “For an organization striving for freedom from opression, Red Lotus is suspiciously too much of a haven of control freaks,” Ghazan commented dryly as he showed Zaheer his back again. He often wandered alone like this, no one from the order able to tell where he was going or whom he was meeting. Zaheer wouldn’t wait until one day he didn’t wake up with a slit throat thanks to him, but alas, that decision wasn’t his to make.

Shaking his head in disapproval, he turned back to direction where the rest was waiting.

“Hurry up. We’ve already spent too much time here,” he called.

Two women approached him, Zhi disappearing inside first, then Zaheer gestured for P’Li to come in. She didn’t look happy to delve underground once again but didn’t say a word about it. Zaheer followed her, so familiar with the place that he didn’t need to wait to move until his vision adjusted to darkness.

The inside of the cave mostly originated in natural processes, but the touch of earthbending to make the living more convenient couldn’t be missed if one knew what to look for. A central room with high ceiling divided into narrow, dark passages leading to smaller caverns. Sometimes they used fire to light up the room, but only if no other means were available. Too much oxygen wasting and if someone happened to find the place, blackened walls would be a clear sign of a long-term inhabitation. They preferred temporary electric light sources, another invention of Future Industries, but had to save them, too, since they didn’t last long.

They were lucky to have Kwan among them, an earthbender with an exceptional seismic sense. Zaheer spotted him in his usual position, with ear next to the wall, in deep focus, his shoulder-lenght brown hair in dire need of a wash. He never talked much, always lost in matters of his own, but when he did, his easy personality almost made up for Xai Bau and Zhi’s gravity. Not only he was able to find safe hideouts, he could also estimate their stability and if necessary, ruin the place in a way all signs of their previous activity there got destroyed. When it was his turn to keep watch, he alarmed everyone if a group of people large enough to outnumber them or cause some casualties moved too close.

Not always were they reliant on this way of living, vanished from plain eyesight, waiting to be eradicated like pests. It’s been sixteen years since Xai Bau abandoned the ideals of White Lotus, with a number of followers. Their ideology attracted many suffering under oppression - regular people not strong enough to fight, but eager to offer them anything needed - food supplies, shelter, means of transport, intel. It was only a matter of time until the original White Lotus stomped down to suffocate the revolution in its seeds. They spread false information to discourage potential allies and started to hunt down Red Lotus members, but the greatest loss that pushed them to brink of undignified end was from their own lines. The traitor died during a huge fight, but the loss they suffered, both in numbers and morally, couldn’t be exchanged for her sole life, not even close…

Remaining members scattered through the world to avoid suspicion. Contact was maintained through access to Spirit World. However, not much to be done while the order remained in this weakened state. In span of years, they were reduced to recruting new members and getting rid of tyrants not importat enough to cause too much of a stir. Groups smaller in number also managed to resolve conflicts between members and bursts of frustration in a quick, efficient way. They couldn’t afford the risk of pushing another member too close to ideas of leaving or betraying them.

“Hey,” P’Li sounded impatient at his lack of attention. She made a small flame to see where she was going, which now allowed Zaheer to see her face frowned in discomfort.

“Yes?” he turned to her.

“I need to talk to you privately,” she glared at Zhi’s back, now talking vividly with - or to? - Kwan. Xai Bau went to seek solace in meditation.

“I have my own room here. No one will hear us there,” he offered, then gently took her hand and led way to one of passages. Unfortunately, the ceiling was much, much lower than in main room. Both of them hunched to fit, though P’Li had a bit more trouble. Zaheer always forgot she was taller than him - it seemed unfitting with her youth and vulnerability. 

“This place just keeps getting better, doesn’t it?” he heard her murmur.

Finally, the space loosened around them. Zaheer’s room couldn’t be bigger than her former cell, and not much more comfortable, either. Instead of bed he had few blankets spread out on uneven floor, feeble electric light source and a heap of books and scrolls nearby.

“Xai Bau always wonders how I’m able to make such a mess from so few things,” he chuckled in a weak attempt to ease the atmosphere. P’Li didn’t say anything.

Now that he was able to face her properly again, he noticed she was deadly pale, her eyes blown wide with terror and her entire body trembled slightly.

“I can’t live like this,” she mumbled almost incomprehensibly.

“I know this isn’t much,” Zaheer spoke in patient tone, trying to make her understand and see the positives - not many of them to count, he had to admit, though, “but it isn’t forever. We hardly occupy the same spot longer than few weeks, never longer than two months. It’s already been three, soon we’ll move out again.”

“Where? If every place is an underground shithole like this-” she kept glancing at rough walls and he knew she had the image of them covered in glistening water ingrained in sight.

“This is one of the worse ones, that’s true. But we’ll move out to some forest area. I think. Living there might be less dismal,” he wanted to cheer her up, true, but couldn’t bring himself to promise something he wouldn’t be able to fulfill.

“Why would anyone in their right mind want to live like this? What horrible thing have you lot done?” her voice was rising with panic, her breaths short and violent. She looked like that time when she passed out.

“P’Li, shh, it’s not like that-” for once, he struggled to think of anything to say. She needed to get out. Her years of captivity probably triggered a fear of closed spaces. “W-we should go back. It’s not too late, a bit of fresh air will clear your head,” he hesitantly tugged on her forearm to make her follow through the corridor back to the main room.

“Through that? No way,” she shut her eyes close, yanked her arm from him and stumbled into the corner, like a chased prey. He took two large steps to get close to her in an attemp to cover her view of confining walls. She refused to take look at him or her surroundings.

“Let me out. Get me away from here,” she pleaded silently and his heart was breaking at the sight. Her tiny flame had died down. “Lien-Hua… I want my sister. Get her back,” a sob shook through her. Her breathing got even louder and more shallow.

“P’Li, I’m here! It’s going to be alright, it’s okay, shh,” he continued to try to calm her, desperation taking over him when it obviously didn’t work.

For a moment, he thought maybe she was starting to feel a bit better after all. She stopped shaking suddenly and opened her eyes.

“P’Li?” she didn’t respond, though. Her gaze was fixated on the wall behind him. “Uh, what are you-”

“Step back. Get down,” she answered in a low voice.

“Wait, you can’t-” his protests were futile. She straightened her back and after few seconds of wavering, she pulled the bandanna from her forehead in swift motion, scratching her skin with her nails. One deep inspiration - unlike her ragged breathing from just a minute before - and Zaheer was temporarily stunned by a tearing blast. Sunlight and dust stung his eyes, but he recognized her silhouette stepping into the hole and sprinting away.

“No! Wait!” she wasn’t planning to run away from them, was she? Where else would she go?!

He ran after her and once he got out into the light, he noticed her quickly. Like she could hide with her outstanding height. She wasn’t nearly as far as he assumed after seeing her run fast.

She tilted his head to look at him. “I’m not escaping. Calm down.”

“Yeah? And what is this supposed to be, then?” frustration took place instead of his previous fear. She couldn’t even breathe properly out of panic and he was the one who was told to calm down? “You could… you could have at least given me a warning! What am I supposed to say to the rest of the group? What excuse am I supposed to make up for you ruining one of our few safe shelters?”

“They don’t care about me and you know it,” he didn’t like how flat and exhausted her tone sounded. “This way, they won’t have to keep quiet to prevent me from hearing about your plans, I’m sure.” She turned away from him and took few hesitant steps away from him.

“Where are you going?” he was trying his best not to sound irritated, but she wasn’t making it any easier.

“Away. Need to be alone for a while,” she answered.

Zaheer gave up and returned to his room, now with extra view. After a while, he realized how unfair it was to blame P’Li for having a natural, perfectly preventable response for a situation _he_ failed to estimate.

He tried his best to make the situation more bearable for her... however, if she needed a break from him to sort it all out on her own, he needed to step back instead of guarding her every move and sheltering her from harm forever. Well, at least not against her will. Xai Bau had to be right once again.

All he could do was hope for the best… and take some yelling from both Xai Bau and Zhi. At least Kwan would offer him a crooked smile after the storm was over.


	9. Ghazan

A rock started floating until it reached his waist, just like a start of his regular earthbending practices. Its bland colour grew warmer and brighter and gradually lost any resemblance of clear shape. Ghazan didn’t break his focus and urged the molten mass to hold together, but it was harder than it looked. 

At this state, earth lost all of its properties he was well used to and his usual moves would only earn him severe degree burns. It took time until he had started to get the hang of it. Skin on his hands and forearms was rough with scars.

Unalaq, before leaving back to North Pole, had once commented that at this state, his bending needed to reflect the change of his element and adapt, become more flowing and less brute… even offered to teach him basic waterbending moves to help him gain a better understanding of it. After the course, Ghazan used up two months worth of his manners to keep his real opinion to himself - tthat it turned out to be absolutely useless and Unalaq probably just wanted to feel smug ordering him around when other times Ghazan would never give him the satisfaction.

Lavabending, an ability so rare even know-it-alls of Red Lotus struggled to find it mentioned once (in regards to Avatar Roku, as a plausible fusion of earth and firebending, making it a skill unique to the Avatar… or maybe not, as he was a living proof of), was left for him only to figure out.

Glowing red spots on the material were quick to fade, turning into shapeless, glassy crust. He flexed his arms closer to the rock to increase pressure. It shone bright yellow, radiating a new wave of heat into his sweaty face. He squinted, resisting the impulse to move it further away from him, like his common sense screamed at him after burning himself countless times. He changed the position of his arms, now compressing the mass from up and above to create a flat, disc-like shape.

One downside of finding out about abilities during a life-or-death situation was to find out what exactly had made it work in that one particular moment. Ghazan wasn’t fond of returning to that memory. He didn’t fancy living in one huge loop of guilt, unlike some of the order.

Drops of fiery liquid started leaking from the edges. Few almost dropped on his already blistered skin. As his concentration shifted to keep them in place, the rest cooled down rapidly again. Useless. He let it fall down and solidify, already fed up for one day.

Waterbenders had a natural, almost instinctive ability to change temperature and state of their element. He hadn’t quite grasped it yet - all he knew how to do was to put the material under pressure until he could feel the individual particles moving, rubbing against one another, creating heat from continuous friction. To maintain it and prevent from cooling down or losing form, that was an entirely different matter. When his frustration reached its peak and he was in danger of losing concentration, he broke it off, worked out his usual forms and took walks. Anything to keep him away from the rest, especially now with Zaheer and Xai Bau back.

He stopped in the middle of his track as a deafening sound of explosion shook through him. Already back in fighting stance, he searched for the possible sourse. Couldn’t be far, he was sure.

_ Great. Just that one day when the guarding falls on me, someone decides to wander close and blow up the place. Somehow, even that ends up being my fault, I’m sure of it. _

He ran closer to the hideout, trying to pinpoint where the sound had come from. Only silence followed.

_ No one resists or fight back -  are they all dead? _

That would put him in an unfavorable situation. While he didn’t quite enjoy most of his company in Red Lotus, the enemies of his enemies were his friends. With them, he didn’t have to fight for his life daily. All things considered, he was hardly in a position to complain.

Quick footsteps, closing in to him. While his seismic sense needed serious improvements, he easily recognized them as too light to belong to anyone from the group. It must have been the attacker alone.

The person slowed down - did they feel him too? - and stopped. His view was blocked by several large boulders, but they couldn’t be out of his sight. Ghazan hid himself completely to not give away his position and waited for them to come closer.

Whoever was there took their sweet time to move, almost like they got lost. Didn’t struck him as someone who knew what they were doing. If they were an earthbender, their seismic sense must have sucked even more than Ghazan’s and that  _ was something _ .

Tired of waiting, he lifted his head over the boulder to get a proper look.

About ten metres away from him, obvious to his presence, stood a tall, lanky girl, looking around with worried expression on her face, her chest rising and falling in deep breaths. Her forehead was almost fully covered by a strange tattoo, he didn’t recognize the detail from his position. It seemed to be a source of her distress, as she reached out and looked even more anxious when her fingers brushed it. Her eyes started scanning the area, suddenly turning right to his spot.

Ghazan lowered his head, but not fast enough. She must have seen him.

“I know you’re in there!” she called, her voice resolute. “Come right out, if you don’t want to die this instant!” her voice wavered at that part, so it might have been a bluff, but he didn’t feel like risking his luck.

He rose up to his full height, stepped out from behind his boulder - large enough to cause fatal damage if molten into lava, he registered quickly just in case - and headed towards her, bypassing between rocks. As he was closing in, he lifted his arms up to signify no harm. Better be cautious if she was really behind the explosion. On the other hand, she had a perfect opportunity to end him and didn’t hurry to do so...

Now there were few metres between them. Her defensive stance lost some of its previous tension, but she was still eyeing him dubiously.

“Like what you see?” he smirked with more indifference than he actually felt. If she didn’t appear so out of depth, he wouldn’t tease.

She frowned, then asked him abruptly: “Are you Unalaq?”

“What?” her question took him by surprise. “No, no, why would you say such a thing?” how did she know about him in the first place was secondary to the insult.

“Then the only option left is Ghazan. If I remember the name correctly.”

“Uh, yes. That would be me. How do you know? And who are you, by the way?”

Now that he confirmed his identity, she seemed relieved. Not okay yet, but better.

“No one important. A nuisance,” her gaze shifted away from him as she answered, too brusquely for his liking.

“Is that how you want me to call you, A-Nuisance?” he lifted his eyebrows and exagerrated the pronunciation of her address.

He could tell how strongly she resisted the urge to roll her eyes at him.

“My name’s P’Li.” Reluctant, but his curiosity only got more fuel.

“See, it didn’t even hurt, P’Li. How about answering my first question?”

“Um, what?”

“I asked how do you know my name?” he reminded.

“Ah. Well, Zaheer told me. He mentioned I could meet two people around my age, Unalaq and Ghazan. You were either one or the other. Or an enemy, but I didn’t want to consider that possibility.”

“Are you a new member, then?” she certainly didn’t look like it, but hey, new surroundings, especially one like this, sure didn’t help her comfort. People she probably met were also far from reassuring.

“No, I’m not. Xai Bau and Zaheer set me free during their mission,” she shrugged. Again she only revealed the most basic facts, Ghazan believed deliberately.

“Didn’t you have someplace better to return to?” he doubted anyone not in most desperate of conditions would join them. Red Lotus strived for a better, less cruel world, but that didn’t equal to taking care of victims of power imbalance.

“Do you think I would I be here if I did?” her eyes narrowed and all traces of fear in her expression were gone.

_ Clearly a sensitive topic _ , he noted. They had something in common already.

“Ah, makes perfect sense, then,” it actually didn’t because a mere orphan had no place among them, not unless they had some kind of plan with her, but he wanted to steer away from dangerous territoty. She was still glaring at him.

Faint echoes of voices he had been aware of for some time grew clearer - mostly Zhi, Zaheer in the background. They weren’t that far from the hideout and Ghazan didn’t plan to wait until they brought the two of them into it as well.

“Let’s get out of here for a minute. I don’t feel like listening to any of them right now,” he offered, but didn’t expect her to nod firmly, no hesitation, just her eyebrows puckering up in dislike again.

“Me neither. Is there even some nicer place to go?” her sight fell on inhospitable setting around. He completely understood her distaste, even though as an earthbender he didn’t find it so bleak as most people would.

“I have something in mind. Hope you enjoy heights,” he grinned, then gestured to her to follow him.  _ Considering how tall you are, you kinda don’t have any other choice, do you? _ his tongue practically itched to add, but it might have been a bit too soon for teasing yet.

 

-o-

 

They mostly kept quiet during their ascent, but Ghazan didn’t mind. His feet carried him automatically to one of his most frequently visited spots and his thoughts were preoccupied by the newest addition to the group. Weighing the matter realistically, he knew she wouldn’t be here with them if she had absolutely nothing to offer. The idea certainly rubbed him the wrong way, but right now he refused to bring it up and cause her distress again.

She walked silently, her steps so quiet he would have to turn around and check if she didn’t leave if it wasn’t for his seismic sense (inadequate but still). He did it anyway, every few minutes of walking. P’Li never paid attention to him, always looking around as if she expected someone to jump at them anytime. Only made him wonder what kind of misery she went through, but knowing his own unwillingness to address his past, he decided to keep quiet about it.

“How long?” she asked.

“A while. We’re almost at the top.”

He didn’t lie. The dusty path under their feet finally flattened as they stepped on a plateau. He liked it best when sun was setting but they didn’t have several hours worth of time to wait for it. He recognized a forlorn road in the distance, leading to several small villages, each of them at least a day away on foot. Without a Satomobile, replenishing supplies would take almost as long as some of their missions did.

_ At least we wouldn’t have to always stick to the place with worst possible living conditions. But anything for the sake of laying low, it seems. _

“We’re here! Feel free to admire the view, it gets old pretty quick,” he announced cheerfully as P’Li passed him by to get closer to the edge. He caught up to see her reaction.

Amazement was written all over her slightly gaping mouth, her eyes open wide and her face now showed a person much younger than him, barely more than a child.

He smiled to himself. She definitely needed some sort of nice distraction more often.

“It’s beautiful,” she spoke after a while. “I don’t know what you’re complaining about.”

“I spent a lot of time here in three weeks. Zaheer always gets annoyed that I keep disappearing and never tell anyone where, but I care too little to say I’m always nearby. If he wants to think the worst of me, not my problem,” he shrugged. He personally didn’t hate him, but after Xai Bau started paying him special attention, the boy started to have controlling tendencies and tried to lecture him about changing his behaviour. Ghazan quickly became sick of it.

“His opinion of you isn’t any better,” she answered. “I don’t get it, personally. Zaheer can be too much, but also kind, and supportive,” her face softened briefly as a shadow of smile pulled at her mouth corners.

“I never said he is bad. We have,” he bent a several small pebbles from the ground beneath them, “a rocky relationship, is all,” he grinned, anticipating her reaction.

She pierced him with a judgemental look. “That was awful.”

“People never appreciate true art,” he put those rocks back.

Now that silence ensued again, he mentally searched through possible topics to talk about. He wouldn’t pass up the opportuninty to finally have a normal conversation with someone else than the rest of Red Lotus members.

“Cool tattoo, by the way,” he lifted his gaze a bit upwards to her forehead. “I’ve never seen anything like it before. Does it mean anything, except standing for a nice target?”

Her eyes flew open with shock as an obvious indication that he just stepped into another no-no subject.  _ Way to fucking go, Ghazan. _

“Oh, shit. Sorry. Just forget I said anything,” why did he have to ruin everything like this? To his utter shock, she didn’t stand up to walk away. She smiled instead - well, made a weird expression probably similar to a grimace he had pulled that first and only time when he had tasted Unalaq’s sea prunes, but who was he to judge? P’Li looked like she wasn’t used to it, either.

“It doesn’t mean anything. Not right now, at least.”

He sensed some kind of second meaning behind her words, but he chose to let it be for now.

“Anyway, I’ve been meaning to ask... was it you who was responsible for that explosion? Or did Xai Bau pour his disgusting stewed cabbage over Zhi’s scripts again?”  _ Man, back then I though she would grill him alive _ , he smiled as he recalled that moment.

“No,” she replied, then chuckled shortly. “Not that I know of. And yes, that was me behind it.”

“Wow,” he didn’t see the extent but was impressed anyway. “What did you do?”

“I needed to get out of that cave. Nothing else would work,” she averted her gaze.

_ Another thing she doesn’t want to talk about.  _ He didn’t point out she didn’t answer his question, but went along with the switch of topic.

“You know, I’m not surprised. As an earthbender, I don’t mind living away from sunlight for a bit, but after a while it got on my nerves, too. Now I spend most of my time out and everyone just has to deal with it.”

“I’m surprised they tolerate that. They seem obsessed with secretion,” she sneered.

“Right now I’m too valuable for them to risk my leave.”

“I certainly can’t say the same, but living in that hole wouldn’t change that.”

“You have nothing to lose, then,” he smirked. She might be traumatized, but no doubt a nice company. Not that he had much options to choose from. Right now, anyone who didn’t spout Air Nomad philosophy every third sentence scored a huge plus point in his book. Not a bad thing she was stuck with them, after all.

___   
  


P’Li wasn’t sure how she imagined Ghazan, but if Zaheer’s warnings were anything to go by, he was the last person she expected to get on well with. His respect of her boundaries and attempts to ease the mood and - last but not least - not a word uttered on subject of her combustionbending felt like a much needed fresh air. Ghazan didn’t treat her as someone who needed protecting, neither as an unnecesary complication in plans. He spoke to her as his equal.

She wondered what Zaheer would say once they got back. Decision was forming inside her head to keep away from him for some time. She genuinely enjoyed his company, but for now, P’Li hardly saw any better option. It would spare him trouble, too, since he was engaged in the organization’s activity more than Ghazan and they would try to keep her away from him anyway. Learning how to deal with her problems and overcome them on her own felt like a crucial step if she ever had to stop feeling like she didn’t belong.

Obviously, the confrontation with the rest was inevitable. Zhi reminded her of past too much to make her comfortable, but she wouldn’t let anyone step all over her again. New ferocity burning inside her, P’Li was determined to make the best out of this strange new life.

As they approached the hideout, she saw them all waiting close to the hole her combustion had made. She felt a sting on her forehead again, and for a hundreth time considered just burning the mark off for good. She forced herself to think practically - the pain, high possibility of infection and scars meant too much trouble right now. Deep down, she refused to acknowledge her ability could be needed again, like when she saved herself from that cave almost on instinct, something she had wished to do during her captivity almost every day. Thinking like that - searching for a bright side of something meant for death only - made her feel dirty.

Zhi met her halfway first, Zaheer close behind. P’Li didn’t know how he managed to look worried and relieved at the same time, but she focused on the woman in front of her instead.

An emotion she couldn’t quite specify burned with intensity in her copper irises. It reminded her of Daigo’s twisted look when a new punishment came to his mind, but she shook off the memory.

“Back from a walk?” Zhi lifted one eyebrow.

“Yes. So?” she challenged.

“You don’t understand the importance of security in this group, do you?” her voice wobbled dangerously close to breaking into yelling, though she had an impressive control over herself.

“I understand only that you, apparently, want to lock me up underground and keep me from everyone’s sight,” P’Li returned her fiery stare. “I think it’s obvious after years of captivity, that’s the last thing on my mind. If you force me, I will defend myself, with every means necessary.”

_ Never again. _

“We strive towards freedom, not oppression,” she smirked with scorn. “However, you’re with us now. You won’t be an exception to certain rules.”

“Like what?” she was about to snap at the cruel woman if she demanded something too close to her past conditions.

“I won’t pressure you to be somewhere where you feel uncomfortable. That poses a higher risk to us, though, so that means double the safety when you’re staying outside. At least one member has to know your location. Next time,” she hardened her tone, “restrain yourself from destroying anything valuable to us. Since you’re not an earthbender, you won’t have to repair the damages you caused. That can change if something like that repeats again. Understood?”

The last thing P’Li expected was for Zhi to take into account what she wanted. She despised the woman’s imperative way of speaking, but for now, she could compromise.

_ If she doesn’t plan to spite me, neither do I. _ She nodded wordlessly.

“Alright. We have that settled, then.” Zhi reached behind her back for something and then threw it at her. Surprised, P’Li recognized the cloth as her bandanna.

“You seemed to prefer to have your tattoo covered. Pity, to hide something of highest honor like a mark of shame, but at least you won’t blow up more of our property.”

P’Li took it and covered her forehead, almost ecstatic relief flowing through her. Zhi’s words lit a spark of curiosity, but she pushed them back .It was just too much for now.

“Ghazan can accompany you. He seems to share you reluctance for staying here,” she sneered and her eyes moved on the boy standing few steps behind her.

“No problem, Zhi,” he replied with his usual sass. She knew him only few hours and could already picture his lazy smirk.

“Before you do, you can help Kwan out to fix the wall, though.”

“As I already said - no problem, Zhi,” this time, she clearly caugh his expression as he walked past her towards the hole. It was exactly as she imagined it.

As the group finally scattered, Zaheer didn’t miss his opportunity to approach her.

“Are you okay?” his hand brushed her forearm briefly, as if out of his own accord. While she was grateful for his concern, at this moment she wasn’t in the mood for any more fussing.

“Never been better,” she couldn’t keep the biting edge from her voice even if she tried. “Seriously, Zaheer, I’m not going to break. Stop acting like it.”

“It looked like that back in the cave,” he responded defensively.

“I’m fine now. I’m not a little baby to constantly keep watch over.”

“I’m… sorry if it seemed that way,” he stepped away from her.

“That came out wrong,” she regretted speaking so harshly to her only friend. “I can’t tell you how much your help meant. But I can’t rely on anyone anymore. I need to do this on my own.”

“With Ghazan around doesn’t strike me much as on your own,” he retorted, bitterness dripping from his tone.

“I don’t get what you two have against each other. Have you ever thought that Ghazan isn’t like you say he is?”

“You don’t know much about him,” Zaheer smiled mirthlessly. “Just… be careful, P’Li. Not everyone is like they make themselves out to be.”

She wanted to snap back and argue that Ghazan didn’t even try to seem better, just had a normal, civil conversation with her and made her feel better after he accidentally stepped into a sensitive topic. But she had little patience for any of that.

“I will. Stop worrying.”

 

-o-

 

After dinner and receiving some blankets from Zhi - eyeing her as if she was a difficult puzzle to resolve - she found a place surrounded with enough boulders her form wouldn’t be immediately noticeable from far away. The surface was anything but comfortable, but better than walls of the hideout falling right into her.

“Hey, P’Li,” she heard Ghazan’s voice behind her back.

“Yes?”

“I won’t be staying here, or anywhere nearby. Not very far, if anything happens. I just need my space, you know?” there was nervousness in his voice she heard for the first time. She wondered why, but he deserved no questions asked after he did the same for her numerous times that day.

“Sure. Go ahead,” she also felt it was better that way. Her nightmares subsided, but she couldn’t say for sure they disappeared for good. She wanted to deal with them in private.

Her sleep was dreamless and deep, not even distant screams and sounds of frantic running disturbed it.


	10. Facing Truth

After her introduction to the group, the rest fell into a routine surprisingly fast, as if P’Li as a new member meant nothing more than a change of weather. On the first sight, no one treated her like something unusual. Instead of feeling more comfortable among them, P’Li felt the alienation continued to grow.

Xai Bau, just like P’Li expected, took it upon himself to train with Zaheer to oblivion, so she rarely saw him around. When she did, he looked exhausted or hasty to return to his schedule, conversation the last thing on his mind. Xai Bau’s plan to isolate his student from a any distractions worked well.

Her childhood nothing more than a faded dream, but P’Li was trying her best to drag it back out, to remember who she used to be before the warlord’s violent attempt to mold her into a mere weapon. What if he managed his goal and destroyed any traces of character and free will within her, after all?

She couldn’t shake off the feeling of being filthy, permanently marked by the single trait she hated the most about herself. Few times, she caught Zhi’s absent-minded sight on her, and each time returned it as a vicious stare. The woman might be trying her best to cover it up, but in her fascination she still felt no different than Daigo, just waiting for the right opportunity to strike at her target. P’Li avoided her every possible way, and spent time with someone who treated her as an actual human being.

Ghazan was in many aspects the exact opposite of Zaheer and in a way, easier to connect with. There was possibly nothing that could make him angry or upset and he always knew how to lift the mood. They quickly developed some sort of rapport which brought back a semblance of normalcy to her. However, the boy had his own need for space, contrasting sharply with his general attitude. P’Li couldn’t help but wonder why, though didn’t dare to push her luck too much with him.

 

-o-

 

“How long do you think until we move again?” she asked after she stumbled upon his practice of basic earthbending moves.

“Is that really the first thing on your mind after a sight like this?” his teeth flashed in his usual grin.

P’Li could see what he meant - his muscles ripped undear his dark skin, even enhanced by a strange pattern of tattoos across his whole upper body. He definitely had valid reason to act so full of himself.

“You mean the biggest showoff ever to walk on this world?” she tugged one corner of her mouth upwards.

“Now that’s just plain mean, and shows you have no taste whatsoever,” he pouted, but pulled his shirt back on. “Not to mention severely exagerrated.”

“I highly doubt that,” she found a place to sit and Ghazan joined her in a minute, keeping his distance as always. P’Li preferred that.

“Anyway, I thought you started to like this place,” he returned to previous subject. “When you’re not with me, you’re still somewhere up there,” he gestured to slopes surrounding them. “Dunno why. You, of all people, hardly need that added height. Thin air and view should be nothing special to you,” he smirked, awaiting her response.

In last days as they got a bit used to each other, he never passed up an opportunity to tease her about her height. She kept herself from rolling her eyes and didn’t react, as it always invited more jokes from his end.

“Like would be too strong, but as long as I’m not locked up, it’s fine,” she answered instead.

“Speaking from experience?” he raised his eyebrow casually.

“Well, yes,” she kept her original irritated  _ isn’t that obvious? _ to herself. He actually looked surprised, though.

“Zaheer didn’t tell you?”

“It’s been a while since Zaheer talked to me without it turning to a lecture,” he tsked in annoyance. “Okay, he mentioned you had it bad, but nothing specific. Regardless, I have a rule of not asking.”

“I noticed that.” They knew each other just few days, so she felt thankful for this space he was giving her, but did it mean her own questions were banned for… how long, even?

“Why to this extent, though? How are you supposed to get to know someone if you have no idea what shaped them?”

“I don’t need to know your backstory for that. People let their past define them or use it as an excuse for their present screw ups. That’s where I draw a line,” his serious answer, so unlike him, only made her curiosity burn.

“I’m not blind, P’Li. I see you went through something really shitty and know better than ask and bring it up again. I hate it myself when people can’t stop prying. Let the past be, you can’t change it anyway.”

She suspected his words weren’t fully addressed to her, but they stayed preserved in her memory. Was it really supposed to be so easy as Ghazan made it sound? Was there something wrong with her for not being able to get over it sooner?

 

-o-

 

“I joked before, but now I’m dead serious. You really do have no taste,” he eyed her with disbelief as they were having a lunch together - this time consisting of shriveled pieces of vegetables among burnt rice.

“I won’t be hungry just because that old hippo cow can’t cook to save his life,” P’Li retorted and finished her portion despite Ghazan’s doubtful glances.

“You talking about Xai Bau? Heh, that fits him,” he passed her his own barely touched bowl. “Have mine, too. I’m kinda full.”

“You had just a few bites. Don’t tell me you won’t be hungry,” with his usual routine, P’Li was sure he needed to eat properly.

“No worries. I can take care of myself,” he dismissed nd she didn’t argue anymore. She wouldn’t pass up an opportunity to satiate her absurd appetite.

Another day, she found out what exactly he meant  when she caught him, with Kwan’s help, sneaking off food supplies.

“Now I understand everything. Shame on you,” she jokingly glared, though she wondered what with raw meat without any source of heat to cook it.

“You’ll speak differently when I tell you I decided to share. Count yourself lucky to have that privilege.”

“Is it because without fire, you can’t really do anything with it? I hate to disappoint you, but my bending isn’t anywhere near that strong.” She didn’t lie. Daigo had set a limit to each skill P’Li was expected to learn - banning anything that would make her too difficult to control, including traditional offensive firebending. It was sheer fortune she even could create fire in small amounts.

“I never thought to ask you, to be honest. Had you pegged as a nonbender. Should’ve known they wouldn’t take you in if you weren’t of some use,” he chuckled.

“What was that supposed to mean?” she asked abruptly. His sardonic statement completely broke the mood of lighthearted banter from before.

“I’ll tell you later. First, we’re going to have some real food.”

 

-o-

 

P’Li first planned to breach the topic again as soon as they got to the spot hid between rocks where no one would come looking for them. Ghazan seemed to have forgotten about it already, completely immersed in preparation of their meal.

She stood aside, watching him with her arms crossed, but as she noticed him pulling small stones from the earth and compressing them into one, curiosity got the better of her and she chose to return to what bothered her later.

“Stay a bit away, alright?” she heard him utter through clenched teeth as soon as she leaned closer. “I don’t need anyone here, much less you, getting hurt right now.”

She stepped back, eyes still fixated on Ghazan’s earth. To her amazement, it started glowing red and yellow, like liquid fire. He set the mass down, letting it cool off, then took a small shred of meat and put it on the top of now amorphous glassy surface. It immediately wriggled into a black scab with a loud sizzle.

Ghazan repeated the attempt two more times until his meat finally didn’t crust instantly, and took a bigger slice. He checked every few minutes until he was satisfied with one side, turned it over and repeated the process.

“You can try it first,” he passed her the piece after he hastily wrapped it in paper. P’Li almost couldn’t wait until it got cold enough to eat safely.

Her portion was tough to chew in some places and still a little raw inside, but in that moment, she couldn’t remember ever tasting a better meal. Ghazan even remembered to use some spices.

“Why stick around here when you could make a living as a cook?” she asked once she had her mouth empty.

“You flatter me, P’Li,” he smiled wide at her praise anyway. “Compared to my teacher, I wouldn’t dare to call this a meal appropriate for humans,” he bit down into his own portion.

“Who was it?”

“My sister,” he mumbled and swallowed, though P’Li estimated the bite scorched all the way down to his stomach.

“You surprise me, d’ya know that?” he started talking again, sounding almost out of breath. “Most people are dumbstruck with my lavabending, you’re only interested in the food.”

“It looked like molten glass to me, not lava,” she commented. Earthbending as a whole didn’t belong to subjects she knew much about, so she just assumed his skill wasn’t anything extraordinary.

“Depends on the type of rock I melt.”

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” she admitted with appreciation, since it seemed as a big deal to him, though she suspected he brought her attention to it just to steer her away from previous subject.

“Now that we’re full,” she didn’t plan to give up on it so soon, “explain what you said before.”

“Which was?”

“Ghazan. Don’t play silly with me,” her hard stare quickly persuaded him to drop the fake obliviousness.

“Ah, that. Well,” he fidgeted and she began losing her patience, “do you have any idea what kind of people we are?” 

“...bits,” she replied curtly. “Enough to know I’m not welcome,” she continued after his own glance urged her to go on. “I still wouldn’t rule out someone will get rid of me to ensure safety or whatever. But it’s this or nothing, so what do I have to lose?”

Whatever reaction she anticipated from him, an amused hum, bursting into full-blown laughter was between the last ones. Bile rose in her throat, which must have shown, because he immediately stopped and put up his arms in defensive gesture.

“Sorry,” he wiped tears of laughter pooled in corners of his eyes, “ah, I shouldn’t have. Sorry. We just have so much in common and someone just has to appreciate the irony.”

“What are you talking about? You chose this out of your free will, didn’t you?” she failed to see how their situations could be compared at all.

“Sure did, but mainly because, like you, I didn’t have any better choice. Since I don’t always agree with every word they say, everyone half expects me to turn my back on them. The truth is that nothing would make me stay if I didn’t believe in the objective. I just think some people here should think more critically.”

“What do you mean?” questions about the group had kept bugging her since she first heard about it, even though she refused to acknowledge it. Ghazan could be the only one to provide her some answers.

“Well, Zaheer for example. He was always kind of a naive idealist who never lived through the worst of it. Books can’t make up for the real experience. But lately, Xai Bau has been paying him special attention and Zaheer has gone kind of blind when it comes to him. I can’t stand being near both of them for too long.”

“What about Zhi?” the firebender scared and confused her at the same time.

“You don’t want to piss her off, but she at least sees things the way they are. I heard that she was the only one who tried to warn Xai Bau about a traitor. They always were at each other’s throats, so he brushed it off, but she ended up being right. Long story short, if anyone in Red Lotus has some influence over him, it’s her, though they still lowkey hate each other.”

“Red Lotus? So that’s how you’re called,” Ghazan’s accidental slip of tongue immediately fell into its place. “Does it have something to do with White Lotus?”

“Ah. Yes. Um,” Ghazan scratched his nape, the sheepish gesture going well with his level of eloquence. “I shouldn’t be telling you, but you already have a vague picture. What more harm can be done?”

“Technically, I still present a danger,” she sneered. “But I would rather know the full truth.”

“Uhh, fine. Zaheer would probably make it into a fancy story riddled with obscure airbending guru quotes, but here goes the summary,” he cleared his throat and started talking.

“Red Lotus began with White Lotus renegades, such as Zhi and Xai Bau. They saw original White Lotus isn’t what it used to be. Regular people’s lives don’t matter to them, only their own status. Red Lotus is supposed get rid of their influence along with everyone else who rules over others and exploits them for own gain. That’s basically it, minus some philosophy mumbo jumbo.”

That came as a shock to her. White Lotus… heroes, the Avatar’s allies, and turning to this?

“Back in my school days,” P’Li remembered, “I was taught that the Order of White Lotus is an honorable organization without which the world wouldn’t reach peace after the war again. Doesn’t seem like type of people who would get corrupted to me.”

Maybe it was foolish to hold onto anything from that part of her life - after all, she got to watch with her own eyes just how deceptive the world could be.

People like Daigo had supporters and sympathizers in their effort to take back what they claimed as theirs, regardless of means to achieve that.

Still… stories about the Avatar and his friends got preserved as a legend in her childhood memory. Presented as originally outcasts of the society, travelling the world and opposing injustice in any form, who would blame a kid for admiring them? She always thought that if they were around in her time, they wouldn’t stand for what happened to her. A combustionbender might have been a dangerous enemy of theirs once, but she never asked to become one… that had to mean more, didn’t it?

“Who knows, really?” Ghazan mumbled noncommittally. “If you had a source of fresh water and one day the spring got poisoned, would you keep drinking even though you fell ill, just because it was good until then? Common sense dictates no, obviously, but we shouldn’t pass the judgement so quickly, right? We’re talking about an organization close to world leaders, after all,” he laughed shortly, the sound forced. “See, I didn’t even go to school. I obviously can’t tell.”

“I think you can, just want to avoid it. As usual,” she replied, trying her best to stress her point - she had enough and wanted him to answer honestly.

“Look, I’m not really in the mood to explain myself, so just take this - if I hate one thing in this world, it’s wilful ignorance.” He got up briskly and moved few steps away from her, looking at her with something she couldn’t put her finger on.

She stood up, too. “I just asked. No need to get upset about it.”

“Well, then do me a favor and use that pretty head of yours!” he raised his voice briefly, but it sounded like yelling already, and started pacing, his body movements and gestures carrying a strange franticness. “Did White Lotus rush to save you when you were a prisoner of someone else? No, they didn’t. Did they offer help when the poor of Lower Ring of Ba Sing Se started dying off like flies? No, why would they? But they had it under control, don’t doubt it! The Avatar was a close friend of Earth King, he wouldn’t let his daughter go unsupervised if she was thoughtless, and White Lotus would stop her if those ill lies were true. Those ungrateful peasants should just stop complaining and gossiping,  and work hard instead, if they want a shot at decent lives. What a ground-breaking solution!” his fist connected with a boulder behind his back, shattering it completely. Old fear kicking in, P’Li shielded her face and turned her upper body away, expecting a hit any moment.

It never came. When she opened her eyes and peeked through her hands, she only saw Ghazan breathing hard, his fist unclenching and descending loosely to his side.

“I didn’t mean to scare you,” she barely heard his voice. “Just… don’t defend them in front of me anymore. You have no idea how many terrible things they let happen,” without sparing her a word or look, he walked away and left her all alone.

 

-o-

 

Since the incident, Ghazan acted as if none of it mattered. Still cracked jokes, talked to her like a friend, but something wasn’t the same about it anymore. It almost felt apologetic, though he never said he was sorry. Then, he simply disappeared and she didn’t see him several days.

_ So much for past doesn’t matter, right, Ghazan? At least I can see I’m not the only one having trouble with it. _

Despite her initial promise not to rely on him anymore, P’Li missed Zaheer. One greeting in the morning, that was all their contact got reduced to. She knew he would find a way to comfort her, just like before, on that boat when he was right about what would help. She felt ashamed for needing him like a little kid. Her pride and stubbornness dictated her to keep up.

_ Not Zaheer, nor Ghazan, nor anyone from Red Lotus is here for me. I can’t let myself become a burden. _

In better times, she had no problem with solitude, a result of her natural preference and not having many friends. If it wasn’t for her family, P’Li might have gone days without talking to anyone. It used to bring her peace of mind… maybe she needed just some time to get into it again.

Her efforts appeared fruitless, though. Reading Zaheer had borrowed her before was still too difficult for her to get immersed in. Her focus broke and head automatically shot up as soon as she heard the softest of noises, even a rustle of wind. No matter where she was sitting, she felt exposed, like anyone could be watching her in the moment.

Just as she was about to give up and go for a walk until her frustration dissipated, firm footsteps let her know she had company. At least this time a proper reason for her body to tense up.

Somehow, she knew exactly who was it without turning around, and wished to be anywhere else so she didn’t have to face her. No such luck.

“Having a nice read?” an unpleasant screeching voice, though somehow softer than she remembered, confirmed her suspicion.

“Not anymore,” she answered, tone blank, not bothering to turn around or address her visitor in any way.

Zhi stepped closer and crouched down to get on her level. Even though she didn’t breach her personal space, P’Li instinctively leaned away from her.

“History of bending?” she looked at the scroll in her lap. “Interesting pick.”

Silence.

“My specialty is, as must be easy to guess, firebending. I know everything there is recorded about it, or its subforms.”

“Is that a bait?” P’Li didn’t care about sounding rude. She planned to make it very clear to Zhi she wouldn’t become her toy, not even a subject for research or nothing of that sort.

“Bait?” she laughed, sharp clipped sound. “What for?”

“You know what.”

“Enlighten me,” strict again. Just like that, no covering up. P’Li preferred the honesty.

“You might be the lesser of two evils, but just like him, just want to use me for your own purposes. Regardless of what I want.”

“What do you want, then?”

The question surprised her. She stayed silent, contemplating the answer she herself was just vaguely aware of. Zhi just lifted one eyebrow and smirked, that expression alone more than a snarky commentary, and also infuriated her enough to find words again.

“I want to be treated like a human being. Not an object to manipulate! I want people like you to leave me alone to live my own life!” she spat, pouring all the venom that had been poisoning her insides for weeks, maybe even longer, into it. “You are so fascinated with what I am, but trust me, I would let you have that depraved ability of mine in a second.”

Zhi appeared unfazed.

“Say… how long will it take for you to realize you’re not a prisoner anymore?”

“What?”

“You are no longer anyone’s victim. Here is the exact place where you have all the freedom to choose who you want to be instead.”

“As if it was so easy,” she commented, more to herself than the woman by her side.

“It can be if you find a reason for it. I’ve seen you. When you set your mind on a goal, you aim for a flawless hit and go in with everything you have.”

That wording sure wasn’t a concidence. It served to alert P’Li again.

“It all boils down to the same thing, doesn’t it? You just want to persuade me to believe  _ you’re _ worth of controlling me.”

Zhi laughed again. “I’m surprised your bending even  _ works _ with all those illusions you’re blinding yourself with. For all time we’ve been here, you mentioned it three times. So who’s trying to make it all about it?”

“Arrgh!” her word plays frustrated her to the core. She jumped up, feeling as if Zhi was trying to lure her into a trap. “What do you want from me?!”

“Offer you a better possibility,” she rose, her form image of precise self-control as she dusted down her robes. “You’re capable of more than spiralling back into what you just started to recover from.”

“Just like that?” P’Li raised her eyebrow dubiously. “And what do you gain out of it? Another follower, am I right?”

“Deny it all you want, but what you really need is purpose. It’s human nature, you can’t escape from it. You’re, as you said, a human being, after all,” her satisfied smirk let P’Li know that she was convinced her point hit right where it was supposed to.

“But it’s up to you. You want control over your life, you make your own choices. Without it, you’re forever stuck.”

P’Li found herself more and more inclined to just nod and end her baseless fear. After all… Zhi had listened to her before.

_ If I disagree, I’ll just make it clear to her, just like before. I can’t be afraid and give her power over me. _

“I’ll accept,” she wavered after a pause full of anticipation, “under one condition. I won’t have to use my combustionbending, ever. Unless I ask first, you won’t bring it up.”

“Be it,” she didn’t protest. “Is there anything you  _ want  _ me to do?’ again that sneer of hers, but P’Li didn’t hesitate any longer.

“I want to learn regular firebending, defensive and offensive.”

“I suppose there will be limits to what can I actually teach you in that regard. Your Light chakra is more prevalent than your Fire chakra, as it tends to be in cases as yours.”

It must have been obvious to her that P’Li didn’t actually understand what she said. “You’re in for rough months. There’s much more than bending you have to learn,” she commented, criticism creeping into her tone. Try as she might to be understanding, Zhi couldn’t fight her own personality. It satisfied P’Li to see she was nowhere near that good at pretending. She wouldn’t be able to lie to her in order to manipulate her for long.

“I’m not scared,” as she said it out loud, it sounded more powerful, convincing. Almost like she believed it fully.

“Seemed fair to let you know,” she shrugged. “But as much as I’m eager to start as soon as possible, it’ll have to wait few days.”

“Why?”

“We’re moving. Ghazan and Kwan were sent few days ago to explore central areas of Earth Kingdom for locations. This place has low harvest, we can’t afford to stay much longer.”

It both explained why she didn’t see Ghazan for so long and asnwered her own wishes to leave. During their return closer to the hideout, P’Li felt another one of old burdens slowly vanishing to let her breathe easier.

While not entirely ready to trust Zhi, now P’Li knew what really scared her was a shadow of something long gone. Many fights and hardships awaited in the future, she didn’t try to hold false hopes up, but avoiding something painful forever - like in Ghazan’s case - lost all its appeal to her.

Everything from times before the warlord marked her was lost, she no longer the same. Illusions disappeared and she faced the truth. Whatever was about to come, she needed to tackle it in ways she had never tried before, become a person she had never been before.

 

_ New growth cannot exist without first the destruction of the old. _

 

Zaheer’s favorite quote brought a hint of smile to her face. It seemed he would end up being right once again. Who knew what more could the future bring...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter frustrated me so much before I finally figured out what bugged me about it. I'm still not fully happy with how it turned out, but I wanted to move things a bit, finally.
> 
> Also, if you find Zhi's words to P'Li kind of iffy, that's the purpose. She doesn't plan to use her, but definitely lacks subtlety, among other stuff.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed :)


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